Butterfly Knives & Hugeass Handguns
by iliveinsingapore
Summary: Blazblue and Hellsing crossover. Hazama, known for his hatred of vampires, is thrusted into a world full of vampires, fights with the worst of them all, then teams up with him? Yeah, Hazama and Alucard on the same side. Millennium is screwed.
1. Chapter 1: Gorilla Plate Is Tuning

**Butterfly Knives & Huge-ass Handguns**

**A/N: Second fic I wrote, again featuring Blazblue. Play the game if you haven't already. It's awesome. This is basically what happens when you have a several thousand year-old ex-cyborg ghost thing that is completely bat shit crazy who hates vampires and throw him into a setting where vampires that don't drink tea and take naps but instead are Nazis that eat babies are crawling out of every orifice and then have him team up with the great-granddaddy of all vampires. Enjoy.**

A door appeared from nowhere and opened in a back alley, unceremoniously spitting out a slim green-haired man onto the muddy pavement before vanishing as quickly as it came. "Goddamn shitty vampire! Actin' all noble and shit, bragging about her royal status. Noble my ass! That was underhanded, even for me! Now where the hell am I?" He wondered to no one in particular as he tried in vain to clean the mud off his stylish trench coat. The events that brought about his current plight resurfaced in his mind, and he cringed when he recalled what got him here, wherever 'here' was.

* * *

"KYA-HA! What's wrong, shitty vampire? Can't seem to hit little old me with lightning?" The green haired man in a black trench coat and fedora mocked while he weaved through several lightning strikes, which were tinged pink. His adversary, a girl who looked little over the age of ten and dressed in Victorian-styled clothes, did not respond to his taunt but instead summoned a frog, which hopped towards the man.

"Shut your filthy mouth, Terumi." Was all she had to say before summoning a gust of wind to blow the frog over to the man, who simply grinned and put a hand over his hat, as if afraid it would leave his head. The frog started sparking and suddenly discharged a lethal amount of pinkish electricity, which did no harm to the green mop-top as a mosaic pattern of black and green lines appeared from nowhere and shielded him from the frog's Thundershock attack, which was not very effective…

As soon as the frog stopped trying to fry Terumi with its electricity and promptly disappeared with a 'poof!' and a cloud of smoke, he lunged forward with an impossibly wide grin and a butterfly knife in each hand, both blades wickedly sharp and gleaming maliciously, his venom-yellow eyes flashing out from under the brim of his hat.

He slashed wildly while laughing maniacally at the girl who simply sidestepped and blocked with her umbrella, which was really her cat familiar. The umbrella/cat familiar screamed with pain every time one of the blades bounced of his skin, but it did not do any real damage to the familiar. She then smacked the red hovering ball of lard that flitted around her at Terumi, who was caught off guard and got hit in the face. Where the thing resembling a flying pig landed, a rod took its place. It crackled with electricity and the air around it was permeated with the stench of ozone as the massive voltage it contained ionized the oxygen in the surrounding air.

"Sword Iris!" The girl said, her voice carrying over the field despite her not raising it. Where the rod stood, a flash of pink lightning like the ones the man with the fedora dodged at the start of the chapter struck. He was not so lucky this time and was hit by the lightning. Where a skeleton should have been ( come on, we all know that being shocked by large amounts of electricity would actually act like an X-Ray and show one's skeleton to the world, right?) there was only a black shadow with round eyes and no discernable hands or feet, betraying Terumi's true nature as not being a man, but a ghost.

Terumi picked himself off the ground as if the lightning strike was nothing. "Aw, come on! That ain't how you treat an old acquaintance right? Where are your manners? Oh, and in case you forgot, I go by Hazama now."

"I have no desire to waste any of my time with you, let alone be civilized with scum such as yourself. Remove yourself from my abode at once so I may enjoy my nap after a nice cup of tea."

"Ya always were a stuck up little snot-nosed brat, right from when I first met ya 72,500 years ago. One of the many reasons I hate you so, so very much, ya damn shitty vampire." The man spat and his golden eyes glared daggers at the girl.

The girl was not in the least bit fazed. "Your words and insults mean nothing to me, miscreant. But I do have a name and would like you to refer to me as such, although I am not sure your miniscule mind is even able of comprehending a person's name."

"I refer to you however I damn well like! Trash like you ain't worth having a name anyway."

"Perhaps you are just covering up for the fact that you are so mentally challenged as to forget the name of one so esteemed such as myself. I will indulge you and tell you my name, and you best not forget it this time. I am Rachel Alucard, current head of the Alucard house. Now kindly excuse yourself before I am forced to use more barbaric methods."

"Try me, shitty vampire." He spat back, placing extra emphasis on 'shitty vampire'.

With that, the fight began anew. The two fighters battled in earnest and as such, their personalities could be read by their actions. Hazama was like a snake, striking faster than the eye can see and exploiting any openings he may find. Rachel, however, was more dignified in her approach. Even in the midst of battle, she held the air and confidence of a pedigreed noble. She was surefooted in her steps and struck only when the opportunity presented itself, and blocked all of the attacks Hazama threw her way with the fortitude and patience.

"Enough! This farce has long worn out its welcome and it is past my teatime! Tempest Dahlia!" As she announced the name of her Distortion Drive, she concentrated all her power into manipulating the wind. It brought along a heavy storm as well as a myriad of her most powerful familiars.

Hazama saw this coming a mile away as it took time for her to muster her power to send the monsoon of familiars his way. He put his hand on his hat again and the shield made of his Armagus appeared and protected him from the onslaught of the storm of creatures.

However, he did not realize that the attack was nothing more than bait for her real trap until it was too late. A door appeared from nothing right behind him and opened, but the only thing that could be seen inside the door was nothing but swirling darkness. The wind started howling even louder as the door started sucking in everything, rain, stray familiars, and its target, Hazama. With the portal behind him acting like a giant vacuum cleaner, the storm lashed at him even harder. He took his hand off his hat and used both arms to shield his face as he tried to make headway against the storm.

The man formerly known as Terumi tried to resist the suction, but the storm was blowing against him and in the direction of the door. Coupled with the vacuum effect of the interdimensional portal, the storm proved too much for him to bear and he was thrown into the door, screaming curses and promises of revenge. The door shut.

"Finally I can get some rest. Valkenhayn?" Rachel called for her butler, who appeared right behind her instantly.

"Yes My Lady?" The elderly butler inquired.

"I desire tea. Fetch me a pot of Darjeeling, and some scones."

"As you wish." The butler vanished to fetch the desired items.

"Hmm? What's this?" Rachel spotted Hazama's fedora lying on her rose garden, spoiling the view of her flowers.

"Just when I thought I got rid of him, he leaves his precious hat behind. Is he really that desperate to bring my wrath upon him?" The vampire asked to no one in particular.

She snapped her fingers and the door reappeared, sucking the hat bat inside to deliver it to its owner.

* * *

Hazama's scowl deepened as he tried to brush off the muck that clung to his coat. "And this gone and got my good coat ruined! Its gonna take me months to clean this thing. At least my hat's fine." He reached up to put his hand on his hat. It always helped to calm him down.

Where he expected to feel the rich velvet that his hat was made of, he instead found a handful of his lime green hair. "What the fuck? Shit! The damn storm that bitch whipped up must have blown it clean off my head! That hat is like a part of me, no other hat will ever replace it!"

Just as Hazama was about to have an emotional breakdown, the door opened again and plopped the hat back on his head. Hazama's mood immediately brightened. "Hey, maybe she ain't that bad after all! Going so far as to return me my hat!"

"Who you talkin' to? You a looney or somethin'?" A gruff voice called out.

Hazama straightened up, his cheery demeanor gone. While the voice would have sounded human to other humans, Hazama has no mere human. He detected an animalistic edge to the voice; it was like the growl of a predator, sizing up its prey.

Hazama smiled widely while closing his eyes, making him look like a fox of sorts. "And I might say the same of you? Who in their right minds just walks into a back alley to talk to a random person? He might be dangerous you know." His already wide smile grew wider, exposing some of his teeth; which were sharp, like the fangs of a venomous snake.

"Right back at'cha, 'cause you're on the menu tonight!" The stranger roared while pouncing on Hazama, his maw opening, a chasm rimmed with razor sharp fangs designed to rip apart skin and muscle, sinew and bone.

Hazama's smile turned from amiable to malicious. His slit pupil eyes flashing with insane glee. He whipped out one of his trusty blades and slashed at the vampire, who barely managed to avoid being decapitated, a long gash cut into his neck.

"What are you? Are you with Hellsing?" The vampire was shocked; he had never seen a human react to him with that kind of speed. It was like a cobra's strike, fast and deadly.

"Hellsing? Sounds interesting. Would you be so kind as to tell me about them?" Hazama inquired in a tone that was cheerful, but had an undertone that suggested that refusal would be met with a long and painful death.

The vampire was scared now. Something about the human's gaze was wrong. Humans couldn't look a Nosferatu in the eyes without being crippled with fear, much less glare at them. His eyes were a bright gold, the color of snake venom and the slit pupils further added to the reptilian image. His gaze was like that of a predator, a predator that has cornered a mouse; it was toying with its prey, reveling in the prey's fear and its own supremacy.

He flipped the butterfly knife around in his hand expertly, its blade glinting in the moonlight like a snake's fang. "Go on. Spill it." He urged, keeping his tone light, but the slight narrowing of his eyes suggested he was losing his patience.

The vampire screamed as he tried to bolt, jumping towards a wall, before jumping again at the adjacent wall and repeating the action, trying to escape to the roof. The man in the fedora kept up effortlessly, taking his time, purposely letting him escape so as to prolong the hunt. The vampire ignored this and concentrated on getting the hell out of Dodge.

The vampire landed on the roof of one of the buildings, now there were no more obstructions. He jumped in the direction of a bridge, under which he camped under during the day. He thought he was home free when he felt his left leg get crushed by a pair of metallic jaws. He screamed in pain as the jaws clamped down harder, crushing the already shattered bone into smaller pieces.

Hazama looked at his catch. The thing thought it could escape. Not on his watch. The vampire was able to jump so far ahead only because he let him. Just when the vampire thought he could make it to safety, Hazama crushed his hopes by sending out his snake chain, Ouroboros. It is basically a metallic snake head, about as long as an adult's forearm and half as wide which could bite down with a maximum force of about 500 kilograms per square centimeter. It could be used like how Hazama was using it at present, to latch on to a long-range target, but there were two ways he could follow it up.

The first is to use the chain to pull him over to the point where the snake head was. The other would be to swing the chain and slam the target into a wall or the floor. It was the latter that Hazama implemented. The vampire did not have time to cry out again as Hazama yanked the chain hard, pulling him back towards the crazy snake-eyed man and away from safety. The wind rushed in his ears as he plummeted toward the ground.

_**CRUNCH!**_

The body landed in the middle of a main road that was deserted at this time of the night. He impacted with such force that cracks appeared on the tarmac, after which his body just splattered all over the road, his bones crushed and fractured, his brains leaking out his cranium, his lungs punctured in twenty different areas by every one of his ribs. His intestines were but little red-streaked pink strips, having exploded from the extreme force of the slam. The vampire remained a big red stain on the tarmac for a few seconds before turning to ashes, his heart having been pulverised by the impact.

Hazama did not look at his prey. He had sensed something evil, something extremely powerful headed right towards him. He grinned like a maniac in anticipation.

* * *

"Master, what's wrong?" A chesty blonde in a military uniform with a really, really short skirt asked a 7-foot tall man dressed flamboyantly in crimson Victorian-era clothes and a fedora with such a wide brim that people could mistake for a ten-gallon hat. Said people would proceed to be raped slowly to death by the tall man in red.

"Our target has been killed." The man's crimson eyes burned like hellfire behind his round orange sunglasses.

"What? Don't tell me it's Anderson!" The busty blonde yelped in panic and surprise.

"It isn't that Vatican dog. He is just as insane, but he is another person. Interesting…"

The walking pair of chesticles panicked. Whenever her master found something interesting, it and everything within a ten mile radius would be destroyed. She sincerely prayed to anyone who would listen that her master would not find this person.

"Come Police Girl! This mission is turning out to be much more interesting than I had expected. The night is still young! Let us confront whatever that was able to slay a Nosferatu, even a lowly FREAK one, and test its mettle." With a dramatic billow of his blood red trench coat that seemed to foreshadow the blood that might be spilt in the coming hours, he walked towards the building Hazama was standing on, still smiling and awaiting the challenge of the No-Life King. Boobs just followed the red-clad man and kept praying.

**A/N: I hoped you liked the fic, but if you didn't, too bad. I will be continuing with it regardless of whether the reviews are positive or not, but any reviews will still be very much appreciated. Next chapter will be Hazama versus Alucard, so hang on to your hats.**


	2. Chapter 2: Clash of the Titans

**A/N: Second chapter, its Hazama vs. Alucard! **

* * *

Hazama looked on from his perch on the roof of a 5-storey building. Even without the huge aura of power and evil radiating from the man, it was almost too easy to spot him. Seriously, do people really dress like that here, wherever here was? Probably not, the vampire that he just eviscerated was dressed more conservatively and he looked more accustomed to working for his food than Ms. Tea-and-Crumpets.

He jumped down to street level, landing lightly as though he just walked down a single stair. The red-clad man was just approaching.

"Are you the one who killed the vampire?"

"And what if I did?" Hazama did his fox impression and was using his usual voice; cheerful and bubbly, sounding as if he would feed a fly that buzzed around his head a sugar cube. However, the man in red was around for a long time, and he knew from his experience that said sugar cube would probably be dipped in potassium cyanide or something of the like first.

"Then you have captured my interest. No normal human would even be anywhere near able to look a Nosferatu in the eyes without pissing himself in fear, much less do that to a Nosferatu and then splatter him all over a crossroad. Vampires hate crossroads enough alive, but to make one die in the middle of one is just cruel."

Hazama ignored the last part, but smiled wider. "And just what would your interest warrant?"

Alucard smiled as well, but where Hazama's smile was at least seemingly friendly, his was the stuff of nightmares. His lips pulled back to reveal yellowing fangs which would not be out of place on a rabid bloodhound. His diseased gums had also shrunk back; exposing the roots of his already large teeth and making them seem even bigger.

"Well, it would mean I would like to test your mettle, to see if you are a true human, not like the miserable dogs roaming the streets in the present. Or perhaps you may be like me, a monster, a freak of nature, cursed to roam the lands for all eternity?"

Hazama's reptilian eyes peeked out from under the brim of his fedora, turning his friendly smile malicious. "Shall we see?"

Alucard's already impossibly wide smile grew wider, splitting his pale face in two. "Well answered! The night is young, let's rock this joint till the break of dawn!" With that, he draws his twin guns and starts blasting away.

Hazama expected this and summoned his chain, launching it upwards. It bit down on thin air, but its jaw locked in place and stayed there. Hazama held on to his hat and pulled himself out of the way of the bullets, and then using his momentum, he launched himself at Alucard. He slashed wildly at Alucard who made no effort to defend himself. The knives sliced through his flesh like butter, lopping off Alucard's extremities with sickening ease.

After he was done dicing Alucard, he jumped back and stuck his hands in his pockets, but stayed alert. When someone talks so much trash and just lets himself get carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey, he is either plain batshit crazy or just playing around. This guy looked like he was both.

"Hmm?" Hazama just noticed the girl who was following Alucard. She was kind of short, but made up for it in the chest department. Whoever designed her uniform was also really good, as it was really tight and emphasized her sizable breasts, and the skirt was also really short and showed off her slim legs.

"What do we have here? Might you be lost, by any chance?" Hazama asked the girl who had been hiding behind the huge red man.

"Sir, I really think you should run for your life, my master has a penchant for resurrecting himself after being brutally dismembered." The girl seemed rather apprehensive, and her large blue eyes were practically pleading him to heed her advice and silent prayers.

"Shut up, police girl. Do not get in the way of my fun. It has been some time before someone other than Anderson was able to do this much damage to me."

Hazama scowled, but was not shocked. Apparently, this Alucard guy was just playing around.

"Hey, red guy. Stop screwin' around and get serious if you wanna fight. Stop playing hide and seek and get your undead ass out here." All traces of Hazama's cheer was gone, replaced by irritation and impatience.

"Oh? You know what you're up against and you're not afraid? AHAHAHAHA! Interesting! Very interesting indeed! Very well then, I will indulge you and fight seriously!"

With that, his body parts that were scattered all over the block started to melt into shadows and creep towards each other. The mass of darkness suddenly sprouted eyes, hundreds upon hundreds of wide, blood red eyes. ""Prepare yourself! I will show you how a true vampire fights!"

Hazama just grinned an evil grin. "Try me, shitty vampire."

Numerous demonic hands erupted from the mass of eyes and blackness, each bearing hundreds of eyes. They made wild swipes at Hazama, who nimbly dodged while mocking Alucard. Suddenly, one of Alucard's real arms popped out, brandishing the Jackal.

"I'd like to introduce you to my little baby here," Alucard started for no real reason, just because it was simply his style. Hazama stopped to listen for the living hell of it. "This is the Hellsing ARMS 13mm Auto Anti-Freak Combat Pistol, but I call it the Jackal. It's 39 cm long and weighs in at 16 kilograms and fires 13mm armor-piercing, explosive, mercury core baptized bullets with Macedonian silver casings, powered by Marvell's chemical cartridge N.N.A. 9."

"That thing isn't a pistol; it's a fucking handheld cannon." Hazama said.

"That's what I love about it." Alucard said, and then started shooting.

Hazama put his hand on his hat and his Armagus shield appeared. The bullets slammed against the shield, which shuddered under the impacts. After, four shots, the shield gave way to the super powered hand-cannon and shattered, causing Hazama to yelp in surprise.

"Gotcha." The disembodied hand squeezed off one more shot, blowing Hazama's arm off from the elbow down.

Hazama screamed in pain, but it somehow seemed more mocking than from real agony. Maybe it was because it sounded something like "Gyo-eh-heh!" rather than a real scream of pain.

Hazama then started to laugh, a high-pitched cackling that sounded somewhat like the Joker. His hand that was shot off started to vaporize, turning into a green mist that wafted over to the stump and reformed into his arm.

"Now I know you ain't playing around. Haven't pulled that one off in a while, and what was up with that piece? You could kill a fucking tank with that!"

Alucard phased out from the darkness, his hat and glasses gone. His grin had grown wider again. "Now that's new. Other than Anderson, no one has grown an arm back in front of me before. I think we can really have some fun now. Shall we take it to the next level?"

Hazama answered with his actions, crossing his arms in front of his face and began to recite the activation password for his imitation of the Azure Grimoire.

"Releasing restriction number 666…"

Alucard pulled his hands up so that they were next to his face and started to release his powers as well. "Releasing Control Art Restriction Systems levels three… two… one… Approval of Situation A recognized."

"Dimensional Interference Force Field deployed!"

"Commencing the Cromwell invocation." Alucard now positioned his hands such that they formed a window of sorts around his right eye, which beheld Hazama, who was finishing his incantation.

"I'll show you, despair in its puresst form!"

"I'll make you squeal like a pig!"

Seras, who had been cowering in terror when the two monsters were fighting, looked just about fit to crap herself when Alucard was going to release his powers on him, and it was not helping that the other guy seemed to have a limit placed on him too. The atmosphere around them started to warp as the unnatural amount of power around them started to distort the area around them.

"Code [S.O.L.], Azure Grimoire… Activate!"

"Ability restrictions lifted for limited use until target has been silenced."

Power erupted from the two men, with Alucard being dressed not in his Victorian coat and suit but a black leather straitjacket and Hazama being surrounded by a circle demarcated by floating runic characters.

The two stared at each other for a bit, before Hazama dashing forward to slash at Alucard with his knives. Alucard responded by shapeshifting into a giant dog, which was affectionately dubbed the Hound of Baskerville, and lunged at Hazama.

Hazama just stuck his hands in his pockets and muttered "Die, trash." before splitting in two and disappearing, much to the surprise of Alucard/ Hound. A split second later, Hazama reappeared and kicked up, driving his heel which had one of his butterfly knives attached to a special slot in his shoe up into the chin of the Hound while yelling "Jayoku Houtenjin!"

As the kick connected, Alucard was stunned by the sheer force of it and was knocked out of his transformation. Then, a large beam of energy resembling a laser erupted from the ground below them and blasted Alucard, who was launched some 200 feet into the air.

Before he landed, he morphed into a fog of shadows that descended on Hazama. It then turned into a mass of centipedes, their fangs dripping with blood and brackish venom.

Hazama was not fazed but instead pulled off his most devastating move, the Thousand Souls.

He summoned his chains, which were arranged in a circle around him. They shot skywards and spun around him in a vortex, forming a spine of sorts. Tendrils of green-tinged black energy then erupted from around him, wrapping around Hazama's chains and forming a titanic serpent. Even Alucard was shocked at this display, for not even Anderson had summoned a giant snake to do battle with him.

Alucard quickly recovered however and pulled out both guns and started shooting at it while sending every familiar he could muster to attack the monstrosity in front of him, as even the No-Life King himself would not take any chances when faced with a snake as long as several skyscrapers arranged end to end.

The snake was not fazed by any of this and opened its mouth devour Alucard. It struck hard and fast, creating a large crater where it struck at Alucard. Seras had seen the thing and smartly evacuated the general area, but it was too large to avoid noticing. It had reduced half the town they were in to rubble, killing hundreds of people. Not that her master, and likely this newcomer, would really care.

The snake, having fulfilled its purpose as an omen of death and destruction a little too well, disappeared, revealing Hazama now without his hat and his hair spiked up.

"Was that it? With all that shit talk, I woulda thought ya would have put up a better fight. Come on, regenerate and get back out here. Like ya said, the night's still young."

Little pieces of shadows started to rise off the rubble, congealing in front of Hazama. Slowly, Alucard appeared, back in his Victorian garb and a mad grin full of fangs. "That was a splendid fight! I haven't had this much fun in centuries! Indeed, the night is still young, let us continue this fight, and fight for eternity!"

Hazama grinned and raised his knives, as did Alucard with his guns.

"ALUCARD! WHAT IN THE BLAZES IS GOING ON HERE?" An authorative voice barked, but strangely, it sounded female.

"Master, what are you doing here?" Alucard asked the approaching figure, a slim person dressed in a manly suit with waist length blond hair.

"The real question is, what the fuck are YOU doing? I was wondering what took you so long to take care of one rogue vampire and decided to make my way here, and I see a giant fucking snake the size of Big Ben eating half the town! Then I see you talking with some weird green haired Dragonball cosplayer at ground zero about wanting to fight on into eternity! You have thirty seconds to explain this to me, starting now!" The man, or woman, was quite pissed but Alucard remained calm and explained it as if nothing was wrong.

After Alucard finished his explanation, the woman in a man's suit seemed to have calmed down slightly and pressed her fingers into her temples. "So let me get this straight. You were on your way here with Seras to dispatch the vampire when suddenly, this guy came out of nowhere and killed it, and then you fought him and destroyed half a town in the process. If I didn't see that giant snake I would have had you thrown back in that dungeon I found you in all those years ago and forgot I even knew about you."

Hazama cleared his throat and piped up in his cheerful tone, his hat back on. "Excuse me, but I have a name and I would like to be referred to by it, instead of being marked off as just 'this guy'. It's Hazama."

Alucard's master just looked him in the eye and vented her anger on him instead. "Look here, I don't have the time or the patience to deal with you, and I certainly don't want to refer to you by your name, not after you managed to destroy half a town fighting with my servant who clearly does not know the jurisdictions under which he operates. Now where is Seras?"

"Over here, master…"Seras squeaked from her hiding place under a large piece of rubble.

"Would you mind telling me how Alucard got into this mess?" She seemed just as irate, but had taken a softer tone when dealing with Seras.

"It is just as Alucard has described, master. He sensed that the target was killed; got interested in what killed it, found Mr. Hazama and fought him and destroyed the town in the process."

"And you did what, exactly, to try and stop this?" Her harsh tone was back.

"I'm sorry master! But when master Alucard gets interested in something, trying to stop him is like trying to stop a train with a toothpick!"

"An odd choice for an analogy, but I get your point. Fine, you are not liable for punishment. The same cannot be said for you, Alucard. Your punishment is not having any missions for two weeks."

Alucard paled at this and sputtered, then started to bawl like a five year-old who was grounded for misbehavior. The woman ignored him.

"Now, Hazama was it? I seem to be short on staff for now, as my top agent is on hiatus and I need an extra pair of hands. Being able to stand up to Alucard is an achievement, and I want any help we can get."

Hazama read between the lines. "Why the sudden change of heart? You were just treating me like trash on the road while you were interrogating your subordinates."

"Because shut the fuck up. Now do you want the job or not?"

Hazama thought about this for a bit. He would need lodging and money, and here was a job being offered to him on a silver platter. On the other hand, he just ate half a town and the potential employer knew he did it. He decided to enquire a bit more.

"What's the job?"

"I am the head of the Hellsing Organization, Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. We specialize in the extermination of vampires and such other supernatural threats. I am offering you a place as an agent for the organization to dispatch such beings that threaten humans. Now do you want the job or not? By the way, we do not provide insurance or coverage for any injury or death sustained on the field." Integra spat.

"Fine, I'll take it."

"Good. We will discuss further details in the office later. Come with us."

She led him to a black car, chauffeured by a man in his sixties. He was dressed like a butler and even had a monocle to boot. He opened the door for his master, but enquired about their guest.

"He's replacing Alucard." She replied before climbing into the car. Hazama felt Alucard's eyes burn into his back but he ignored it. The one known as Seras got in beside him while Alucard rode shotgun.

The car started up and drove down the country road, leaving the town with a giant bite taken out of it behind.

* * *

**A/N: Don't know if that was any good, but review anyway. I'll see what I can do to improve this chapter and future ones from constructive criticisms while flaming will be ignored.**


	3. Chapter 3: Welcome to Willis Space!

**A/N: Thanks to anyone who has read and will continue reading this fic, but please leave a review next time so I have something to work with yeah? Hazama will be chatting with the spirits of the Jackal and Harkonnen and playing a little prank on Seras. Hope you enjoy.**

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"So… any details on the vampires I'm supposed to hunt?" Hazama enquired, figuring it wise to have at least a general idea of what he was going up against, not that they would actually stand a chance either way.

"Nazi vampires that eat babies." Integra said nonchalantly.

"Say what?" The green haired man's right eyebrow shot up as he tried to process the image that the words conveyed.

"You heard me. Supernatural bloodsucking monsters manufactured by the Third Reich from World War II Germany that like to eat human infants."

Hazama just stared at her with his eyebrow cocked up.

"It's true, saw them do it once back in '44." The butler piped up from the driver's seat.

"Okay… so, uh, I'm supposed to go out and kill them?"

"That was in the job description. What, gonna chicken out?" The red clad midian asked in a less than friendly tone from the front seat, still put out that Hazama was replacing him. If he did actually chicken out, maybe his master will lift his punishment.

"No. Just never actually killed a Nazi vampire that eats babies before. Never actually met a vampire that was a Nazi either actually, so it kinda took me by surprise." Hazama replied with a shrug. Alucard just huffed irritably, sank deeper into the leather upholstery and crossed his arms like a spoilt child that did not have his way.

Integra sighed at this display of childishness. Honestly, he was the most powerful being on this planet, and he acts like a bipolar child with an unquenchable thirst for blood and battle. Five centuries on this earth must have done his mind in and she could sympathize, what with all the paperwork and reports about vampires and dealing with them, and then more paperwork concerning the collateral damage caused by her servant. The stress from all that work would drive anyone crazy.

Then again, half the paperwork she had to deal with came from her servant's inability to restrain himself on a mission, seeing fit to destroy entire towns to find a single target when she gives the order to search and destroy, then failing to specify what indeed should and should not be destroyed. Maybe he was not worth pitying after all.

"We will discuss these details further in my office when we arrive at the Hellsing Manor. Until then, please do not ask me any questions. I need to think up of an excuse to cover up for the destruction of half a town by a giant green snake." Integra hissed as she rubbed her temples with a gloved hand.

Hazama thought about deliberately asking her questions anyway, but decided against it as his job was probably on the line and it would not do to be cast out on the streets with nothing to his name.

Instead, Hazama turned to Seras and asked her what she worked as before coming to this line of work.

"I was a police officer." Seras replied while puffing out her sizable chest. Hazama did not even try to look away from them, and even if he did, they were so large they would force themselves into his field of vision anyway.

"Is something the matter?" Seras asked, looking at her blouse to see if there was a stain on it or something.

"Yeah, how did you get those things so big? Does it come with vampirism or what?" Hazama asked as if it was as trivial as the weather.

Seras blushed heavily and stammered as she tried to speak, but failed. "Do not harass the other employees or you will be fired." Integra threatened in a soft voice, but her tone made it clear that she meant it.

"My bad. Sorry." Hazama said, but he did not mean it in the slightest. He lives to troll people, and he had a pretty good idea of what to do on his first mission.

The car trundled up a hill, atop which stood a grand mansion that stood proudly over its surroundings. Upon closer inspection, however, it was clear that the building had seen much better days. The guardhouse was destroyed and the front gate was blown apart, and many of the windows were shattered or boarded up. The walls were riddled with bullet holes and the paint was scorched off in a few places, possibly due to explosives.

The car pulled up in front of the main door, or what was left of it. It was blown inwards by more explosives and had left a rather large hole in the middle of it. They just walked through the hole rather than opening the door.

The manor looked even worse inside than out. There were more bullet holes dotting the corridors, which had more blood than paint covering the walls. The first staircase they came across had been blown apart, supposedly to stop the intruders that made such a mess of the place.

"Walter will show you to your room so you may retire for the night. Unfortunately for me, I will have no such reprieve and have to bullshit my way out of destroying half a bloody town."

The butler, who Hazama assumed was Walter, bowed slightly and asked him to follow. Hazama walked beside him and asked him what happened to the place.

"The Nazi group you were talking about, the Third Reich, now referred to as Millennium, sent an army of ghouls, or zombies as they are more commonly referred to by commoners, to destroy us. They nearly succeeded, but the timely intervention of Seras and yours truly prevented the assassination of Sir Integra as well as the rest of the Knights of the Round Table. Alas, we were not able to dispatch them earlier as we were trapped underground before managing to make our way to the conference room where the Knights were holed up in through the air vents."

"That is one hell of a story." Hazama was impressed. If it were not for the evidence surrounding them, he would have labeled the aging man as senile or crazy, although he himself was not one to judge others' state of mental health.

"Thank you. I might have told it to my grandchildren one day had I any. Ah, here is the room. Please make yourself comfortable, and don't hesitate to call me should you need anything." Walter handed the keys of the room to Hazama before bowing and leaving.

"Might as well get some shut-eye before talking to Little Miss Butch tomorrow." Hazama said to no one in particular as he opened the door to the room. The room was well furnished and seemed to have been safe from the alleged zombie invasion, save one or two bullet holes that marred the walls between the corridor and the room. The bed was king-sized and had rich crimson sheets made of silk. There was a bathroom as well, saving him the trouble of having to find one if he needed it.

Hazama took off his hat and coat, putting the former on a coffee table and draping the latter on a chair. He kicked off his shoes and plopped down into bed, falling into a deep sleep.

* * *

"I sense a disturbance in the force, willis." A disembodied voice said to thin air.

"I do believe that the last time I checked, Bruce Willis hadn't starred in any Star Wars movies, so why the reference?" Another voice replied from nowhere.

"I sense another spirit, willis. Should we check it out, willis?" The first voice asked the second.

"Now that you mention it, I do sense another non-human presence. Yes, let us speak with him." The second voice agreed.

* * *

Hazama woke up in a very odd place. The colors were bright, much too bright and vivid to be on the planet Earth. The hills around the area had faces on them, happy smiling faces as did the random piles of dung lying around. The sun also had a face, but its features were more spastic, with its eyes blank and staring and its mouth wide open. Hazama stood there for a good minute before recovering his wits and asking himself where the fuck was he.

"Hahahaha, welcome to my realm, Willis Space, willis! I am the almighty ruler of this dimension and the spirit of Alucard's gun, Jackal Willis, willis!" A bald man in sunglasses, singlet and trousers proclaimed after appearing out of nowhere behind Hazama. Big mistake.

Hazama lashed out with one of his knives and took off Jackal Willis's head, causing blood to fountain out of his neck, casting a rainbow where his head was a few seconds ago. Hazama stood dumbstruck again. Blood was too thick to be able to separate the colors in sunlight, so casting a rainbow like that was technically impossible. Then again, nothing here, not even the environment, made sense.

Suddenly, the blood stopped spurting out and Willis's head grew bloom from the stump of his neck like a really ugly flower. "Ow, that hurt, willis! Is that how you greet people, willis? Who taught you your manners, willis!"

Hazama just stared at him.

"Anyway, willis, in this dimension, whatever I say, goes, got it, willis? So are you ready for a very complicated adventure? We will board the space ship Nagasaki and fly to a random planet where all its inhabitants are yakuza members warring for territory, and we will charge in with Japanese swords and establish our own group there!"

Hazama just cut his head off again.

"Stop that, willis! It really hurts, willis!"

Hazama readied one of his knives for a third decapitation when another person, if that was what they could even be called, appeared. He was old and fat, really fat, balding as well. He was dressed in a dark trench coat and white trousers and seemed to be levitating a few inches above the ground. His arms were at his sides and his hands were flapping up and down as if they were wings. "Pardon Willis, please. He talks like that to anybody and everybody, even me. I am Baron Harkonnen, the spirit of Seras's gun Harkonnen. We have called you here for a little chat as we sensed that you were a spirit."

Hazama was surprised at this. He was called to some place that looked like everything, including the environment was on an acid trip by a couple of spirits that inhabited his colleagues' firearms. He looked down at himself and realized he was also in spirit form, a green and black featureless body. The knife he held was also black, composed of the same stuff as the rest of his body.

"Uh, right. So could you fill me in on what is this place and get on with the talking because this is really freaking me out."

"Of course. This is not 'Willis Space' but a different plane of existence exclusive to spirits such as myself. We are also able to summon other non-spirit entities to this dimension for a little chat, but most of the time its just us."

"And what did you want to talk about?"

"Nothing much, we were just curious as to what you were, as well as to welcome you to Hellsing. Not many people have the guts to deal with the living dead and we were impressed by your courage when you accepted the job even when you were told about what it entails."

"That it?"

"Pretty much."

"'Kay thanks bye."

As he announced his departure, the hills, the sky, the two figures, they all swirled together into a indiscernable mess, the colors and shapes blending into each other. Then the voices started, random people yelling out random things.

"God is a girl, do you believe it, can you receive it?"

"Drink Powerthirst, now in Rawberry flavor! Made with lightning, REAL LIGHTNING!"

"What the fuck is any of that supposed to mean? I'm telling you now, I don't want any of that Powerthirst shit even if I did believe that God is frickin girl, and I feel fucking dumb for even saying that!"

"In Soviet Russia, pit moshes YOU!"

"What the hell? That doesn't make any sense! What do you people fuckin'smoke anyway!"

"Luke, join the dark side... If you do, we will bequeath unto you freshly baked cookies and milk. And I know that everyone loves cookies. Succumb to the temptation!"

At this point, Hazama just gave up and shut his trap. He closed his eyes and prayed for all of ths nonsense to end. His wish was granted.

With that, Hazama vanished from the weird place. The 'human' Hazama awoke, his snake-like eyes snapping open. He looked himself over, and satisfied he was not projecting his astral form anymore, put on his coat and hat and decided to walk around the grounds despite not having slept for even an hour. After seeing all of that in a dream, you would not want to sleep either. At least I wouldn't.

He walked out of the room and did not bother to lock the door after closing it. He did not have anything to steal anyway so it would not make a difference if someone were to break in.

He jumped out of a second storey window and landed on a bed of flowers, but paid it no mind and just trampled over them as he made his way over to the fields behind the manor.

He saw Seras with a ridiculously huge rifle lying prone on the ground, taking aim at nothing. He started towards her, then had an idea for a prank. He smiled deviously before walking behind some bushes so no one would see what he was about to do.

Seras focused hard on the target, which was some two kilometers away. Despite it being the dead of the night and having no scope, Seras was having no trouble finding her target, courtesy of the third eye granted by her status as a vampire. As she was making minute adjustments to her aiming to nail the target in the bull's-eye, she heard a voice behind her call out "police girl". The voice was not very deep, despite obvious effort to make it deeper, but she turned around all the same. She was greeted by the sight of her 'master'.

"Ah! Master, I thought you were confined to your room for the next two weeks as punishment, what are you doing out here?" Seras asked in a shocked tone.

"I came out here to check on your training, and here I find you taking years to aim and hit a non-existent target. What are you trying to pull off here?" 'Alucard' asked.

Seras noticed something wrong with his voice. It was deep, but not like the rich bass of her master's, rather the deepness of his voice seemed forced.

"Are, you alright, master? There seems to be something wrong with your voice right now. Also, you can't see the target?"

"There is nothing wrong with my voice, it's all in your head. And yes, I don't see any targets in the immediate area."

Seras was confused. How could her 'master' not see the target, being a Nosferatu himself? Also, there was definitely something off with his voice, but she just could not put her finger on it.

'Alucard' started to laugh. A high-pitched cackle that Seras recalled from her master's fight with the green haired man. "Mr. Hazama?" She asked tentatively.

"Hahahaha, I didn't think you'd really fall for this one, but damn! At least ya figured it out in the end, so I guess ya ain't that dumb." Hazama snickered.

Now that she saw through him, she noticed a few differences. Although both his coat and hat were the same shade of crimson as her master's, his hat's brim was not as floppy and he was not wearing that ridiculous cravat. His sunglasses were different, where her master's were orange, his were silver and mirrored. His hair was also not as messed up and was clearly artificial.

"How did you do that? Your coat and hat were black last time I checked, and where did you get the wig and glasses?"

"Magic!"

Seras looked at him skeptically. "You just snuck out and bought them didn't you."

Hazama sighed and said in a chiding tone, "Come on, you and I both know that can't be true. The nearest town is miles away from here and any stores in it would be closed anyway. Also, I don't have any money on me to buy any of these."

Seras paused as she took it all in. It was true that it would be too late for the shops to be open, but as to whether he had money and if he could get to the town in a few minutes, she was not so sure.

"Fine, you want proof, I'll show it to ya."

Hazama snapped his fingers, dispelling the Armagus that changed the color of his clothes. He snapped his fingers again, and a hole opened up out of nowhere, into which he tossed the shades and fake hair.

"There, happy?"

Seras was stunned at this display, but quickly recovered. Her master was also capable of these feats, or rather they were simple parlor tricks compared to what he could do. Also, this man was capable of holding his own against her master, so maybe this was to be expected.

"Yes, I believe you."

Hazama grinned, a wide and friendly smile. "Good."

The sky was starting to light up, with streaks of red and gold appearing on the horizon. Seras noticed and hastily excused herself.

"Sorry, I have to go. The sun's rising and vampires don't really like the sun." Seras called out as she walked briskly to the main door of the manor.

"Yeah, I get it. Don't wanna get burnt down to ashes and all that." Hazama answered while walking in the other direction.

"Hmm… Might as well go and talk to the person running this joint now. Got nothin' to do anyway. Just gotta find that butler guy and get to her office."

Meanwhile, Seras passed by the flowerbed under the window Hazama jumped out of. She noticed that the flowers were trampled over in a straight line leading from the window to the pathway. She then noticed that they were her flowers.

"AAAH! My flowers! Who did this?"

Hazama heard her yells and just smiled mischievously. "Trolled, heh heh."

* * *

**A/N: That's all for this chapter. I hope you liked it. Next chapter has Hazama talking to the ice queen and also his first mission. Stay **


	4. Chapter 4: Rule number 63

**A/N: In this chapter, Hazama will have a talk with the Ice Queen, Integra Hellsing, go on his first mission and some rule 63. Enjoy.**

* * *

Finding the butler was tedious. It was his first day at the manor, and so he did not know his way around, much less where each of the building's occupants was at what time, so he did the only thing he could do. Wander around aimlessly.

He did this for the better part of an hour until he chanced upon the kitchen where Walter was preparing some tea with vodka mixed in. Hazama raised an eyebrow at the odd concoction and enquired about it.

"Oh, this? Sir Integra insisted I prepare something that contains caffeine and is also able to calm her nerves at the same time, and so I decided to mix some vodka in with a pot of Earl Grey and see how it turns out." Hazama nodded at this and made a mental note to add vodka to Rachel's tea when he got back, if he got back.

"Uh, Walter, I think I wanna go and see the boss now. Got nothin' to do anyway, and I thought it might be good to work out the kinks in the deal, know what to do and what not to."

"Excellent idea. I shall lead you to Sir Integra's office once I am done with the tea."

He filled up the teapot with the 'tea' and placed it on a tray, on which were matching chinaware and a container with a few lumps of sugar. He picked up the tray and walked to the door, which Hazama took as his cue to follow.

Walter led him to the right wing of the mansion and up two flights of stairs, stopping in front of a large and ornate door made from teak. Walter knocked on the door three times.

"Come in." Integra's voice growled out. Walter opened the door and walked in, followed by Hazama. Integra was discussing something with a man in a blue business suit, which would have made him unremarkable except for his ridiculous hair. His black hair was quite long and would have reached to his shoulders had it not been slicked back into a giant, foot long spike.

"Walter, did you bring me something?" Integra inquired, completely ignoring Hazama.

"Yes, a pot of Earl Grey mixed with vodka." Walter replied as he poured a cup for her. "Would you like any sugar?"

"No."

Walter placed the cup in front of her, which she took a sip from. "Not bad."

"I shall make a mental note to prepare this whenever you are feeling stressed."

"Thank you Walter. Oh, Hazama. What brings you here?" Integra had finally taken notice of Hazama's presence.

"Just wanted to discuss the terms of my employment further." Hazama said with a shrug.

"Good timing, then. This is Mr. Wright, the lawyer who drafted your contract as well as another for a group of mercenaries. Do you want to take a look at it?"

Hazama nodded to the man, who passed him the contract which was printed on very expensive parchment. It dictated that his employment would last until either the contract was terminated by either party or if he died, and that he would be provided food, lodging and weapons but no mention of pay. This did not escape his notice.

"Hey, what happened to my pay?"

Integra went nuclear at this statement. "Pay? You expect ME to pay YOU? After destroying half a town, you should be thanking your lucky stars I didn't just shoot you dead right there and then, let alone offer you a job in my organization with food and lodging provided free of charge! The only reason why you're here now is because my organization is short on manpower and you can fight decently!"

Hazama kept silent at her outburst, partly because she was right and partly due to him not being able to think up of anything smart to say.

"Anyway, I have a mission for you. Our informant has traced Millennium to Brazil. You are to take Seras with you to Rio de Janerio and take care of any Millennium soldiers you may find there as well as retrieve any additional information. Understood?"

"What if there isn't anything written on paper?"

"Then extract the information from the soldiers directly, use any and all means. Human rights don't apply to them as they aren't human any longer. If they still don't want to spit out the info then bring them back here."

"What about the red coat guy?"

"He is on hiatus."

"Well, I think we could use another pair of hands on this job. He seems to have more ideas to torture information outta people then I would ever come up with in my life."

"He needs to be punished for his lack of restraint, and so he will not be participating."

"Who said anything about letting him go scot free?"

Integra's eyebrows rose at this statement. "Fine, tell me how you can punish Alucard without having him be put on leave."

"He seems to like to make fun of Seras and her physical assets," Hazama's eyes flashed as he mentioned 'physical assets'. Integra scowled but said nothing. "so why not put him in her shoes? He can shape-shift right? Make him turn into a hot woman and wear that uniform for the two weeks he's supposed to be grounded."

"That won't work. He said so himself that it does not matter to him what form he takes."

"Won't know 'til ya try." Hazama insisted.

"Fine. I guess his skills would be useful in the mission. ALUCARD!" She yelled his name so loud that Hazama could have sworn that the floor shook. Walter and the lawyer acted as if it was a common occurrence, which it is.

On cue, Alucard phased through the floor, a wide smirk plastered on his pasty white face. "Master, I thought I was to be confined to my cellar for the next week and not to do any missions for the next two? Do you long for my company that much?" Integra responded by aiming a Desert Eagle handgun in his face.

"No one would ever long for your company, no matter how desperate they are. You are to accompany Hazama and Seras on their next mission."

Alucard's face lit up. "Lifting my punishment not even twenty-four hours after administering it? You must be feeling especially generous today master, not that I am complaining."

"OBJECTION! You of all people should know that Sir Integra is not that kind of a person!" The lawyer randomly yelled out while sticking his index finger in Alucard's face. Alucard ignored it, as if it was a common occurrence with the man, which it is.

"Thank you, Mr. Wright. As he kindly pointed out, no one said anything about lifting your punishment. You will just be having a different one. You are going to dress up like Seras for the next month."

Hazama's right eyebrow cocked up at the statement. He had suggested two weeks, but she had upped it to a month. She must be real pissed off at Alucard.

"Wait, dress up like the Police girl? The blouse she wears wouldn't fit me, her chest is too big."

"Then shape-shift into a woman that can fit into the blouse." Integra stated matter-of-factly.

"What? Take the form a common harlot, then dress up like some girl in a police fetish porn flick?"

Integra grinned evilly. It seems that Hazama has hit the jackpot. "Well, you did say that it didn't matter to you what form you took, so why should this be any different?"

Alucard hesitated briefly, but recovered so fast that both Hazama and Wright did not notice. To Integra and Walter, however it was plain as day. "Well, Seras is already walking fan service. I wouldn't want to deprive her of her only mentionable status."

"OBJECTION! Seras does not want to have such a derogatory status anyway and would like another person to share the burden!" Again with the finger.

Hazama cackled at his outburst. He could hang with this guy.

Alucard moved to strike Hazama but Integra yelled at him to stop. Perhaps this would be an even worse punishment after all. "It's settled then. For the next month, you are to be, as you and Hazama put it, 'walking fan service', at all times, on missions, fighting, sleeping, eating, pissing me off, pissing anyone else off, basically you are to be a very sexually attractive woman dressed in the female Hellsing uniform for the next month. Have I made myself clear?"

Being bound to the Hellsing bloodline for eternity, he could do nothing but mutter an affirmative. But that didn't mean he couldn't take it out on Hazama, who was the one who suggested it in the first place. Mind-reading for the win.

"Oh yes, before I forget. You cannot harm any of the other operatives unless physically threatened, and in the event that you are, you are not permitted to injure them such that they are not fit for duty for extended periods of time. We are shorthanded enough as it is."

His scowl deepened even further while Hazama snickered in the corner. He would find a way to get back at him, he swore upon the hundreds of thousands of souls that he had consumed over the centuries that he would have his revenge.

"Well, get on with it. Accept your punishment, servant."

"As you wish, master." Alucard grumbled as he willed his form to change. Shadows wrapped around him and obscured him from view for a moment before revealing a very, very hot woman decked out in the Hellsing uniform.

She had long, waist-length hair, black as a moonless night and softer than silk. Her ample bust was emphasized by the tight blouse( Thank you, Hellsing uniform designer dude!) and the short skirt hugged her wide hips while showing off her milky white thighs at the same time.

Her ruby eyes burned with anger as she scowled, but even then she looked quite cute.(I probably am gonna die tonight, so if this fic isn't updated, you all know what happened. =D) "Is this fine master?" She asked through gritted teeth, her voice now a rich soprano instead of the deep baritone of his male persona.

"Quite satisfactory. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to sign this contract with Hazama. Go get Seras. You two will entertain the mercenaries I have hired and show them what they are up against."

"Understood." With that, she phased through the floor.

"Now then, on to signing the contract. Do both parties agree to the terms stated?" The lawyer asked.

Hazama still wanted monetary pay, but it looked like his soon-to-be employer was not one for negotiations. Well, beggars can't be choosers; he would just have to take what he can get.

"I'll take it."

"Good. Sign here, here and here please." Hazama complied.

"Thank you, Mr. Wright. Hazama, you are to leave for Heathrow Airport in two hours at 1700 hours. The plane to Rio de Janerio will take off at 1800 hours. Until then you are free to do what you want. Dismissed."

Hazama turned and walked through the ornate door while Integra lit up one of her cancer sticks and took a long drag, inhaling the smoke. _I hope that the two of them won't mess up this mission. Alucard is already a bitch to deal with, I don't need another out of control madman bent on killing everything he comes across, _she mused.

Hazama walked down the stairs, trying to find the main hall where the other recruits are sure to be received as he wondered how they were going to react to the eye candy presented to them in the form of Alucard and Seras greeting them.

He found the hall easily enough this time, and sure enough there was a gang of rough and tumble men gathered. They were not paying much attention to Seras who was lecturing them on the monsters that they were going to fight; rather their attention was concentrated on her bust.

"And so, when confronted with vampires or ghouls, the rule of thumb is to shoot'em in the head."

The company had picked up the word 'vampire' and took the opportunity to burst out in boisterous laughter. "Vampires! Vampires she says! Come on, little missy! There ain't no such things as vampires!"

Just then, Alucard phased through the wall in his new form. The men were too entranced by her appearance to crap their pants in fright at a woman who just randomly ghosted through a wall.

"What?" Alucard asked in a disgruntled voice.

"More boobs." A Frenchman piped up. His long blond hair was done up in a braid, atop which sat a ten gallon hat with the right side of its rim pinned up. He wore an eye patch over his left eye but it did little to mar his handsome features and sparkling green eye.

Alucard ignored his cheeky comment and proceeded to lecture them on vampires, which they in turn proceeded to ignore in favor of staring at her chest instead. Alucard noticed this and sighed in frustration.

"Perhaps a more physical demonstration would be in order, as these pigs do not seem to be able to comprehend spoken language. Seras?"

"Vat? You are saying zat this pretty little zing here is a vampyre?"

"Actually I kind of am…" Seras admitted in a sheepish tone while grinning, showing off her fangs.

Some of the men flinched at this, but most of them, most notably the French guy, took it in stride.

"Okay zen, maybe she is one. But vat do you mean by a 'physical demonstration', mademoiselle?"

Alucard wanted to say that he was in fact a male, but his current appearance was contrary to the statement so she decided to keep her mouth shut.

"I mean that she will fight you off with nothing but a finger. If you do manage to get your greasy paws on her, then you may do whatever you please."

Frenchy's eyes gleamed excitedly at the prospect of fondling Seras's sizable bust, and wasted no time in lunging at her.

Seras responded with a finger flick to his forehead, which snapped his head back. She did not stop after that, and proceeded to keep on flicking him with her fingers, pushing him back to his friends, his nose bleeding.

"Boss! You alright?" One of the men asked worriedly.

"She izn't human! She moves so fast, I cannot even see her move! When she flicked my forehead, it was like a hard punch!"

"Now do you believe in vampires?" Alucard asked.

The men nodded sheepishly.

"Then pay attention to the lecture." With that final statement, she phased through the floor.

"Man, if she wasn't that much of a bitch, I'd hit that." One of the mercenaries, a British man this time, muttered.

The Frenchman responded to this with a shake of his head and a "tut tut". "A real man does not care if the woman he likes is a bitch, he will do everything in his power to make her his." Trust the French to make such statements.

Hazama walked in and took the opportunity to burst his bubble. "Just so ya know, that 'she' is really a 'he' and if he catches ya saying that, ya won't be as lucky as your captain there."

The Brit scoffed. "What, are you blind? That was obviously a woman!"

Hazama shrugged. "Vampires. They can shape-shift. He had to take on that form 'cos the boss wanted him to. Ya wanna believe me or not, it's up to ya."

The merc wasn't so cocky now. "Oi, Seras. Boss says we're goin' on a mission. Pack your shit and get Sluttycard. We're headin' to Rio de Janerio."

* * *

**A/N: I actually wanted to include the first mission in this chapter but I decided to leave it for the next one for the sake of pacing. Reviews are appreciated as always and flaming will be laughed at.**


	5. Chapter 5: Declaration Of War

**A/N: 5****th**** chapter! I had a few bright ideas since the last chapter, so there will be a few changes; Hazama will now be fighting Tubalcain, who now speaks like an African-American for obvious reasons (he's BLACK!), because he is obviously jacking Haz's style and Sluttycard will be the one fighting the OC, who is a Soviet! Look forward to the random shit that will take place.**

* * *

The trip to the airport was uneventful, with Alucard not bothering to tease the Police Girl, choosing to sulk instead. Hazama did not troll Alucard not because he was scared of her but rather because he did not want to blow up the car and miss the plane. He had never been to Rio and he did not want to mess this up. Pip had also decided to tag along and spent the trip hitting on Seras.

While they were waiting in line to check in their luggage, Alucard suddenly wanted to go to the restroom. Seras however was nowhere to be seen. Hazama made a mental note to inquire about this later.

Right when Alucard disappeared behind the door to the men's bathroom, resulting in a few men yelping in surprise, the sound of a few gunshots, a few fear-induced screams and finally three men running out of the room with their pants around their ankles and smoking holes in their jackets did two men step in line behind Hazama.

One was of average height and had his long blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail and was dressed in a smart business suit, he looked about twenty. The other, looking to be in his late thirties, was well over seven feet, closer to eight in fact, and built like a tree trunk, solid and unyielding. He had on a brown leather trench coat and gloves with the words "Jesus Christ is in Heaven" inscribed on them. He was blonde as well, but his hair was cropped short in a crew cut and his green eyes sparkled from behind a pair of wire-frame glasses.

Hazama was stunned at the size of the man with the weird gloves, but quickly recovered and offered a friendly smile. Pip just stared and muttered "Sacré bleu…" . The other man smiled back, until he noticed the crest of Hellsing on Hazama's luggage. At this point he pulled out a bayonet from his hammerspace coat.

"So ye be de new recruits at Hellsing, eh Protestant scum?" Big blonde drawled in an Irish brogue. Small blonde said nothing but scowled at Hazama and Pip as if they were something akin to a turd in his tea.

Hazama's demeanor fell at his sudden change of attitude. "What's it to ya, big guy? A man's gotta find a place to sleep and food to fill his belly. She just came and gave me a job after I blew up half a town. Got a beef with that?"

"So ye ain't a Protestant?" Big blonde spat the last word out as if it were something vile and disgusting, like that turd in the tea, only he didn't notice the turd and drank it and then realized that there was fecal matter in the tea.

"No idea what 'Protestant' is either. Is it like a kind of cult or some shit?"

"That would be the correct description of the Protestant, quote unquote, religion." Small blonde piped up, but the way he said the last word suggested that this Protestant thing was undeserving of its status as a religion.

"Tha Protestants are nothin' but a buncha heretics, taking Catholicism an' twisting it with their blasphemy, an' they still haf the cheek to claim ta worship Jesus Christ." Big blonde growled, not bothering to conceal the pure rage that came with his words.

"Whatever you say, you're still talking about my boss and she doesn't like it when people say things about her if they ain't good things, so watch your backs." Hazama suggested out of goodwill.

"Believe me, I know how your boss reacts to insults. After all we were the ones who gave her the information that Millennium's in South Africa, which is where you're headed to, no?" Small blonde said in a much more amiable tone, satisfied that Hazama was not one of them.

Pip took care of the luggage while Hazama chatted with the gentlemen. Seras was still nowhere to be found.

"Well, thanks for the information, I guess. Like, ya guessed, I'm the new recruit at the Hellsing Organization, Hazama. The other guy there is Pip, but we call him Frenchy." Frenchy glared at Hazama but said nothing.

"I am the leader of Section XIII of the Vatican, Iscariot, Bishop Maxwell, and he is my top agent, Father Alexander Anderson. By the way, Anderson, put that thing away before we get arrested."

"Wha?" Anderson murmured in confusion before realizing he had a bayonet clutched tightly in his hand. "Sorry 'bout that." He slipped it back into the fourth-dimensional pocket in his coat.

"I would be lying if I said it was a pleasure to meet you, but it was an entertaining conversation regardless. Ciao." Maxwell said as a farewell as Hazama and Pip left for the departure hall.

"What an asshole. If I had met him anywhere else, I would have skinned him alive." Hazama muttered.

"Good luck with that, friend. Zat big guy next to him looks like he can fight well." Pip said with a shrug.

Alucard popped out of nowhere just as a few police officers ran to the bathroom Alucard just visited. "I see you've met the Judas Priest and his scrawny little excuse for a superior officer." She said conversationally.

"Yeah. We were just talking about how I wanted to rip the small one a few new ones but the big guy would stop me from doing that. Not that sure about the second part though, 'cos if he gets in my way I'll rip him a few new ones too." Hazama answered.

"Don't be so sure. If you can catch Maxwell alone then he wouldn't be much, but Anderson is a different story. He can stand up against me one on one."

Hazama let out a low whistle. He knew first hand that Alucard is one tough cookie. "Oh yeah, what happened to Seras?"

"She's in her coffin. She is not yet strong enough to cross the ocean without sleeping in her coffin that has the soil from her homeland in it." Alucard answered. They did not say anything more as they waited for and boarded the plane.

The flight was uneventful as well. Alucard just slept while Pip hit on the stewardesses. Hazama kept himself amused by watching the in-flight movies. He laughed out loud at Get Smart, a comedic spy flick, but what really got his attention was The Matrix: Revolution, not because of the special effects or story, but because of Agent Smith, in particular how he referred to the main character.(Remember this part, its important!)

They got off the plane at noon and grabbed their luggage before meeting up with the chauffeur who drive them to the Hotel Rio de Janeiro, the best hotel in the country.

"Hey, Alucard. I thought that vampires will burn up in the sun or something." Hazama inquired.

"The sun is no enemy to me. I think of it as a mere annoyance." While it was not killing her off, it certainly made Alucard slightly more irritable.

The entrance hall of the hotel was huge and the walls, floors and pillars were all made of marble. The lounge sported a bar stocked with all kinds of booze and had a really hot bartender, who was well stocked as well, if you catch my drift. Pip made a beeline for the bar.

The receptionist was a young man, in his early twenties. He had a round, boyish face dotted with freckles and his blue eyes crinkled with smile lines behind his round wire-frame glasses.

"Welcome to Hotel Rio de Janeiro. Do you have a reservation?"

"Yes, the penthouse." Alucard answered.

"Ah, the guest who booked the topmost suite. Ms. J.H. Blenner, I presume? Your suite is ready for you."

Hazama took this as his cue to get the porters to get the luggage. "Bring it here guys! Be careful with that, its expensive!" He hollered at them.

"Ma'am, you can't bring parcels that large into the hotel!" The receptionist said in an alarmed tone.

Alucard bent over the counter and snapped his fingers in the receptionist's face. "There's no problem at all."

The receptionist did not make eye contact with Alucard, because she was now a very busty woman, and you know the law of gravity right? No? Well physics says that the larger and the more mass an object has, the larger the effect of its gravity. Apparently Alucard's new boobs are really large and have lots of mass because the receptionist's eyes were gravitating towards her chest area.

"There's no problem at all…" He muttered as if in a trance. Although he did not make eye contact with her which is the requirement for the hypnotism to work, boobs in themselves had the innate ability to hypnotize any straight man or homo woman and this seemed to get the job done just fine.

"You heard the man, move that shit to the top floor." Hazama yelled. He loved bossing people around. He used to be a boss too, a captain in the Library, but not here. He would just have to seize the opportunities as they came by.

They rode the lift to the top floor and walked into the suite, which was more of an apartment than a room. The floor tiles and ornamental pillars were marble and there were potted plants in the sitting room, corridors and bedrooms. Pip walked in after them, a red mark the shape of a hand forming on his cheek.

"Such discrimination! You guys get this suite while I'm staying at a cheap, thirty dollars a night motel!"

Hazama sighed in exasperation. "It's not our fault you decided to come despite not being ordered to. You were told that you had to pay your own way in every way." Pip shut his mouth.

Alucard walked over to one of the coffins and pulled off the sheet covering it with a dramatic flourish. It was made of some wood none of the others had seen before, for it was black as night. Pip even remarked that it was made of coal, earning him a boot to the gonads. There was something written on the lid; "The bird of Hermes is my name, Eating my wings to make me tame."

"Catchy. What's it mean though?" Hazama asked.

"Eet'z taken from ze Ripley Scroll, written by a famous alchemist, George Ripley." Pip gasped while clutching his groin.

"I asked what it meant, not for a history lesson, numb-nuts."

"I cannot feel my family jewels anymore, so I will not take that as an insult." Pip answered, making Hazama scowl for he as the troller was not supposed to be trolled by the trollee.

"Well, I will be taking my leave. I will assist you in the investigations at night for you vampyres prefer to work at night, no?" With that, Pip limped out of them room clutching his groin and cursing in French.

Hazama walked to the balcony and sat down in one of the chairs, taking in the view. Alucard opened up her coffin and went to sleep.

* * *

"The snipers in position? What about Assault Team Baba? Good. Is that fine, Mr. Alhambra?" A man asked another. They were inside a tent, one of many pitched outside of the Hotel Rio, all of them bearing the insignia of the Brazilian Military Police.

"Yeah, that shit be perfect. After this you gon' be joinin' us in the land where nothin', not old age or disease can touch us." The other man replied in a stereotypical African-American gangsta accent. He was dressed like something out of Broadway, all white down to his gloves and shoes, a white fedora covering his head and a stylish white coat draped over the chair behind him.

"Are you sure about this, comrade Alhambra?" Another man, this one sounding Russian, inquired. Where the first man was dark-skinned and slim, he was fair and built like a grizzly bear. His black hair was spiked up, making the white steak above his right eye more noticeable. He was dressed like a soldier, only he was not carrying a rifle but a huge triple-barreled chain gun.

"Yeah, it's cool, Heavy Tager. This ain't nothin' but bait to lure those Hellsing bugs out into the open. Knowing Big Red, it's something he can't resist. He'll bite."

"IF you say so, comrade."

* * *

Much later, at around 8 at night, a helicopter hovered outside one of the window and an officer started to yell at them in Spanish through a loudspeaker.

"What? Speak English!" Hazama shouted while Alucard went to get her fledgling.

"Wake up, you don't want to miss the party!" She urged.

Seras eyes snapped open. _What was I smoking? What the hell kind of a dream was that?_ She thought while Alucard repeated his earlier sentence. She looked out the window to see the guy with the loudspeaker yelling at Hazama in heavily accented English only to have Hazama yell back in insistence that he speaks comprehensible English.

Just then, the door was kicked in and 8 men ran in, brandishing assault rifles. For some reason, the suite was suddenly empty. One of the men walked up to Alucard's coffin and was about to touch it when Alucard popped out of nowhere and started to yell at them, telling them not to touch it.

The men were too busy ogling her to be scared. They started to converse in Spanish while Alucard preached about not touching the coffin.

"Hey commander, should we just rape the hot chick and then gag her or something? Seems like a right waste for someone this hot to just die."

"Nah, we have orders to shoot to kill. After that then we can do whatever we want."

The subordinates stared at their commander, stunned. "Did you just say what I thought you said?"

"What? You said you'd hit that."

"Not after she's been shot to bloody ribbons!"

"Fine, shoot her sparingly, but aim to kill."

"I am NOT fucking a dead body!"

"Guess that means I don't have to share then."

"If we don't get to do her, you don't either!" With that, the rest of the squad opened fire, reducing Alucard's body to bits and pieces of tattered flesh.

"Hey! Her pussy's still intact!" The commander exclaimed happily while fumbling with his zipper. The rest of the squad looked away in disgust.

In true Alucard style, she started to regenerate her body, limbs and other assorted pieces of stray flesh and blood crawling towards the largest piece of intact Alucard. While this normally scared the living hell out of anyone else who saw this little piece of hell, the squad of military police were either Duke Nukem brave or just plain and simply retarded. Instead, they started debating as to whether Alucard was dead or not.

"She lives! Now we can rape her too!"

The commander blanched and retorted; "No! We shot her to death just moments ago! She's deader than my last girlfriend!"

The rest of the squad stared at the commander in shock again, then decided it would not be prudent to argue and should return to the matter at hand.

Alucard had other ideas and started to go batshit on them, reducing them to a large pile of blood, organs and dismembered limbs in a matter of minutes while Seras sat stunned, not being able to tear her eyes from the horrible spectacle before her. Hazama played around with his knives.

"Ya done?" Hazama asked in a bored tone.

"Yes, the Millennium pigs have declared war on us, but sent us these dogs instead. They were not worth the time taken to slaughter them and I suggest we go and pay them a visit."

* * *

Meanwhile, Pip was at his own hotel room watching the news when he saw the news report dictating that Alucard and gang were labeled as terrorists who had gone and killed off all the guests on the top floor. He promptly spat out his beer in shock before recovering and suiting up for a little covert operation.

* * *

Back at the hotel, Alucard just lectured Seras on the stupidity of war and that there was no other way to survive one than to kill anyone who was not her friend. Hazama went back to playing with his knives. She was stunned at Alucard's outburst, but nodded her head in understanding, albeit reluctantly.

"Get the coffins and get to the roof, then hijack a helicopter or something. We will go and take care of the people in charge of this farce."

"Uh… Hijack a helicopter, sir?" Seras asked disbelievingly.

"Yeah, it means to go steal a helicopter. It's the only way out." Hazama added in a friendly-sounding tone that had an undercurrent of menace.

Seras gulped and stammered out an affirmative before grabbing the coffins and her cannon and running out.

Alucard and Hazama nodded at each other and Hazama kicked open the front door to see that the corridor was packed with more military police. Hazama dashed towards one and slit his throat with one of his knives while Alucard opened fire with her two oversized handguns.

The corridor was cleared in seconds. They strolled towards the elevator, Hazama grinning like a fox and Alucard's face split in two with the batshit crazy smile we all know and love.

The team guarding the elevator had rushed into the elevator as soon as they saw the two Hellsing operatives make hamburger meat of their teammates and were trying to make a hasty retreat, one of them constantly jamming his finger on the 'doors close' button. No dice.

Hazama threw one of his knives with deadly accuracy, nailing the man frantically pressing the button between the eyes, which rolled up as his body slumped against the buttons, making his teammates have to shove the corpse out of the way before they can get to pressing the button.

Too late. They made it to the elevator. The men inside cowered in fear as they looked upon the man and woman as if they were death itself. At least they were for them. The elevator doors closed as Alucard opened fire at point blank.

The elevator bell dinged, signaling their arrival at the ground floor. The doors opened, revealing Hazama who was glaring at Alucard and trying to wipe off the blood on his coat while Alucard reloaded. They passed through the lounge and dispatched the soldiers waiting to ambush them.

"Remember how I was talking to Seras that these people made a rather lousy attempt at declaring war?" Alucard asked Hazama.

"Yeah, why?" Hazama was not sure he really wanted to know, judging from the smile on Alucard's face.

"I'm going to show them how it's done." She said as she moved to pick up eight of the bodies lying about.

There was a veritable crowd gathered in front of the Hotel Rio, throngs of reporters held at bay by an extensive police blockade. Tubalcain and his colleague were at the front of the rabble. They took a few steps forward, waiting.

Just then, the windows on the front of the hotel shattered, the damage caused by eight soldiers who were for some reason airborne. They flailed their limbs as they fell, all of them being impaled on the flagpoles in front of the building. The crowd fell silent as they struggled to comprehend what just happened while Tubalcain just clapped and Tager grinned, anticipating a good fight.

The doors were kicked open by Hazama, with Alucard at his side. "The night is young! Come forward Millennium! Let us do battle!"

* * *

**A/N: For pacing purposes, I'll stop the chapter here so I will have more to write in the future, and also because it will give me more time to think up of more gags. As always, leave a review so I can work on your suggestions.**


	6. Chapter 6: Nigga Gets Denied

**A/N: Its official, Marvel vs. Capcom 3 is coming out in early 2011 and a real Mortal Kombat is in the works! So in celebration, I'm gonna throw in a couple of references in here. This is the chapter where Hazama fights Nigger Alhambra and Sluttycard fights Soviet Russian Tager. Enjoy.**

* * *

"Hot damn, that was one hell of an entrance you made." Hazama muttered to Alucard, who grinned maniacally in response.

"That's the only kind of entrance worth making."

Hazama pondered this for a moment and then decided that he agreed. Two men in the crowd stepped forth, one a black man of around six feet in a white suit and fedora, the other an eight-foot tall man built like a rock in addition to seeming just as solid and unyielding.

"Yo, dat be some batshit crazy shit you just pulled off there, mo'fuckas, an' Ah respect dat. Da name's Tubalcain, but mah bros in da hood call me da Dandy Man. Random niggas like youz can call me Mr. T.A. Hambra, 'cos dat be mah street name." The smaller one in white introduced himself while applauding the display Alucard provided.

"Do you speak English?" Hazama asked.

Tubalcain scowled and retorted with; "Ah just spoke, perfect A-grade English an' if you don't undahstand what Ah'm speakin' den you best go learn yoself some proper English."

"Nope, still don't understand. Alucard, this guy make any sense to ya?" Hazama turned towards his partner, who shrugged. "She doesn't understand you either. Oh, and by the way," Hazama's somewhat friendly demeanor suddenly darkened. "ya better take that coat and hat off, or it's gonna be liable to earn ya a knife in the gut from yours truly."

"Now you da one not making no sense, dawg." Tubalcain looked genuinely confused as to why the green haired man who was dressed like him, only in black, had issued the threat.

"Because," Hazama's eyes flashed venom gold from under the brim of his hat. "You are jacking my fucking style." He spat, all traces of his smile gone.

"Oh yeah? No random chink gon' tell me ta do jack shit, mo'fucka. You gon' have ta make me." He spat back, accepting Hazama's challenge.

Hazama said no more and launched Ouroboros at him. The snake-head-on-a-chain shot out of the fourth dimensional portal that its master opened and made for Tubalcain, who nimbly dodged it. The chain continued into the crowd however, and its jaws clamped down on one of the police officers' arm, snapping it in two and causing him to scream in agony.

Hazama did not so much as turn and look at him, using his chain to pull himself closer to the poser, who pulled out a deck of poker cards and fanned them out in his hand.

"What, you gonna kill me by taking all of my money in Blackjack?"

Tubalcain answered by throwing the cards at him. Hazama brought up his shield Armagus just in time to avoid getting hit by the cards thrown his way, but the ones not stopped by the shield went into the crowd, destroying police cars and dismembering numerous members of the public. Screams of panic and pain erupted around them, which the two men ignored.

"So you got some tricks up your sleeve." Hazama muttered, still glaring daggers at the vampire who was obviously copying the way he dressed.

* * *

"It seems our comrades are getting along quite well, does it not?" The big Russian asked in a deep and rumbling voice not unlike an animalistic growl.

"Indeed it does. Shall we get down to business as well?" Alucard replied while raising the Jackal and Cassull. Tager started to laugh heartily at the display while Alucard raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"HAHAHA! Did you think those puny things can do you any good? Those excuses you call guns can deal only weak American damage," he drew out 'American' as if mocking the Americans. "while these, they deal real SOVIET damage!" He roared with no small amount of pride as he brandished his twin chainguns.

"Wait, I thought you were carrying around only one of those. It was mentioned in the last chapter." Alucard pointed out while scratching her head with the barrel of the Cassull.

"Well, the author had a change of mind when it came to Sarah and Britney here," Tager drawled in his Russian accent, referring to his chainguns. "and you know what they say, there is no such thing as enough firepower!"

Alucard thought about this, then nodded in agreement. "Shall we?"

Tager grinned and opened fire, one chain gun in each hand. The high caliber bullets ripped through the air and tore Alucard as well as the front entrance of the hotel to shreds.

"Was that it? From all of that talk I would have expected you to at least take a shot with those weak American guns, or were you too awed by the sheer might of the Soviets?" The big Russian gloated as the dust settled.

Shadows moved, slithered and slid around within the cloud and converged to form a vaguely humanoid shape which seemed to be carrying twin handguns. "Don't get your undergarments in a twist, the fun hasn't even started yet!" With that, a volley of bullets shot forth from the dust cloud, revealing Alucard unscathed and with her trademark bat fuck insane grin.

The Russian stood his ground as most of the bullets impacted on his body, blowing large holes in his ridiculous musculature and nearly severing one of his arms.

"How's that for weak American damage?" Alucard asked mockingly.

"It seems I have underestimated the power of your guns, but this is nothing compared to the power of the Soviet Union!" Tager proclaimed as the wounds started to close up.

"Hmph, it seems you can put up a decent fight. Very well, entertain me." With that, Alucard and Tager opened fire.

* * *

"Get back here, copycat! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna tear you into tiny little strips of meat!" Hazama was dashing around, trying to cut Tubalcain up with his knives, but he was not having any luck.

"Aw, can't seem to hit Big Daddy here with them puny little things?" Tubalcain taunted. Hazama slashed again, but this time it was a feint which Tubalcain fell for. Tubalcain dodged left to avoid the knife only to have his solar plexus be introduced to Hazama's knee, winding him.

Hazama took this opportunity to cut off Tubalcain's throwing arm, making Tubalcain yelp out in surprise and pain, but it was only for dramatic effect as he smirked and dissolved into playing cards along with his disembodied arm. The flock of cards flew up to the side of the Hotel Rio where they converged to form Tubalcain, with his arm attached. He beckoned Hazama with a finger, making Hazama scowl even deeper.

While Hazama chased Tubalcain up the building, Alucard and Tager were still busy trying to hit each other with bullets. Tager did not bother trying to dodge the bullets, probably because he was so big and trying to dodge would not do him much good anyway. Instead he soaked up Alucard's custom made silver and explosive bullets like a giant bullet sponge and continued spraying with Sarah and Britney, his beloved twin chainguns.

Alucard was zipping around the courtyard in front of the Hotel, dodging all the bullets fired by the Russian. The bullets ripped through flesh and metal, bone and glass. Body parts flew everywhere and vehicles exploded and injured the people not hit by the bullets.

Alucard had put both guns away, as they were clearly not doing any good to stop the pro-Communist behemoth. He dashed in, hoping to use his vampiric strength to tear him limb from limb.

Tager had other ideas. He saw Alucard coming and slung Sarah on his back. Just when Alucard was in grabbing distance, his hand shot out faster than one could expect something of his size to and grabbed Alucard, who was taken by surprise.

He then jumped up about seven stories, holding on tight to Alucard so she could not escape. As he landed, he brutally smashed Alucard on his knee. The sound of her spine snapping echoed loudly, even being able to be heard over the cacophony of screams of agony and fear emanating from the crowd.

Tager dropped Alucard's body and pulled out Sarah, happy to have the handle back in his hand and his finger comfortable on the trigger. Alucard started to laugh his crazy laugh.

"HAHAHAHAHA! YES! I can see that you are not some third rate vampire like the trash I have been forced to deal with the past few months! I think I can actually get a workout from fighting you!"

More cracking resounded from Alucard's back as her spine knit itself back together and she stood up straight. She then held up both hands, her index and middle fingers forming a right angle to her thumb, forming a window of sorts with her hands.

"Releasing Control Art Restriction Systems three...two...one, approval of Situation A recognized. Commencing the Cromwell invocation. Ability restrictions lifted for limited use until the enemy has been rendered silent."

* * *

On the roof, Tubalcain and Hazama were at it again. Hazama was chasing Tubalcain around and trying to carve him up with his knives while Tubalcain was running and dodging while throwing cards at Hazama, who either blocked or dodged them. In other words, they were not getting anywhere.

Finally, Tubalcain scored a hit, the card slicing Hazama's leg off. "Fuck! Those pants cost me a bomb!"

"Haha! Denied!" Said the nigga.

Tubalcain smirked at his little victory, his mind not registering the fact that Hazama was in fact not bleeding and his severed leg was slowly turning into a black-green gas that was wafting over to the stump.

"Wassa matta, dawg? Tripped up on some shit?" He taunted., earning him the snake eyes from Hazama. "Whoa, dawg, chill out. Well since Ah won dis fight, Ah think Ah'm entitled to a little spoil of war, eh?"

Tubalcain reached out and grabbed Hazama's hat. Tubalcain is officially fucked.

Hazama snapped. First rule when dealing with Hazama; never, under any circumstances do you even think about touching his hat. Another reason why you should never touch his hat is because his Stand(Google Jojo's Bizarre Adventure) lives inside it. Don't believe me? Notice that whenever Hazama summons the BFS(Big Fucking Snake) his hat comes off. Back to the story.

Dark green energy surrounded Hazama, taking the shape of three snakes, their eyes glowing a bright green. They coiled around Hazama and hissed maliciously at Tubalcain, who just got the feeling that maybe taking off the guy's hat had not been the brightest idea he ever had.

"Uh, bro, forget da whole 'spoils 'a war thing'. We're bros right? Come on, man, Ah can hook you up!" Tubalcain did not know why he was getting so nervous, but he had a gut feeling that talking smart would not be in his own best interests.

"Here, Ah'll put it back on for ya. There, looks good on ya, bro." He placed the hat back on Hazama's head, after which the snakes lunged at him. He jumped backwards and was about to say something smart when Hazama lunged at him with his knives again, this time with the ethereal snakes backing him up.

Tubalcain was having a harder time dodging Hazama's attacks now because the snakes were adding reach to his slashes as well attacking him on their own. It was not long before Tubalcain slipped up. Hazama's knife grazed his chest, tearing his coat but the snake wrapped around his arm had tore off his left arm with a large bite.

Instead of dissolving into cards again, he bled for real this time much to the distress of Tubalcain. Another snake lashed out, its jaws crushing his leg this time.

Tubalcain wanted to scream in pain, but was winded when Hazama kneed him in the gut. Tubalcain feel to his knees, fighting to get air into his lungs. It was then a disembodied voice boomed out from nowhere; "Finish him!"

"No need to tell me twice." Hazama muttered before the three snakes reared up behind him and hissed loudly. "Sic'em, boys."

With that, the snakes lunged and each fought for the biggest piece of Tubalcain, effectively tearing him to little bits and pieces and splattering blood, gore and assorted organs all over the roof of the building, turning the pristine white ceramic tiles a bright crimson. The booming voice called out again. "Fay-tality!"

One of the snakes spat out Tubalcain's head with his neck and chest still attached, his eyes wide and mouth open in an eternal 'O' depicting his shock and agony. Hazama stared at it for a bit before it burst into blue flames, burning away any trace of the man's existence. Hazama shrugged and wondered what was going to happen next.

* * *

The Soviet Russian was staring at Alucard in awe, his eyes not blinking and his mouth agape.

"What's wrong, big man? Too scared to say anything? Come on, raise your guns and fire away! Snap my back in two again! The night is still young and there is much blood to be shed! Come!"

It was then blood started to trickle from Tager's nose. At first Alucard was confused, then he remembered why Japanese manga characters would typically get nose bleeds. "Aw, fuck me…"

Alucard looked down, only to see the sizable chest that was part of his punishment being clad in the leather straitjacket that signified the release of power down to Level One. The clothing was skin-tight, so it hugged Alucard's hourglass figure and showed off all of the curves.

Alucard face palmed. "I hate this punishment. I hate it so much."

Tager had finally snapped out of his stupor, raising his guns and opened fire, sending thousands of 12.5 millimeter pieces of hot lead at Alucard who upon being hit dispersed into shadows.

The shadows slithered over to Tager where they shifted into a horde of centipedes which the Russian vampire proceeded to curb stomp, his boot producing a loud and sickening crunch every time it came down.

The dead centipedes melted back into shadows from which burst Baskerville, its six eyes burning like hellfire and its maw wide open, its huge teeth dripping with saliva.

Tager slung his chainguns and used his hands to stop Baskerville's jaws from clamping down on him. The monstrous dog snarled and tried to bite down with more force, but the large vampire was able to keep it from snapping its jaws down on him, but with no small amount of difficulty.

Tager then felt cold steel touch his left temple.

"I'm sorry, but I don't really feel like carrying on this battle because of this ridiculous form I am forced to take. Well, it was fun while it lasted. Now allow me to carry out my mission."

The Jackal fired, the explosive round blowing vampire brains all over the ruined courtyard. Alucard then snapped Tager's head back and bit down on his jugular, draining his blood, his memories, his personality, everything that made Heavy Tager himself.

The corpse of the Russian Vampire ignited, the azure flame spreading from him to Alucard, engulfing them both. The fire lasted until every last piece of Tager was turned to ash.

Alucard, back in the female Hellsing uniform, started to clap and laugh maniacally. "So that's what it is, then? Come Major! Show me a great War!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Pip was dressed in the same uniform as the military police that attacked the hotel room and was stalking around the police tents that housed the corrupt official that sent the above mentioned officers to their death at the hands of the Hellsing operatives.

None of the people present questioned Pip because of the ruckus Alucard and Hazama were kicking up at the Hotel Rio, something he was grateful for it meant that he could carry out his mission that much more easily.

He walked into the corrupt official's tent as if nothing was wrong. The official was panicking, yelling into numerous phones. Maybe he was trying to cover up or explain to his superiors what was going on at the Hotel, but that was not any of his business.

He walked over to a table and slipped a block of C4 plastic explosive onto it, no one noticing. He walked back out of the tent, removed his mask and lit a cigarette for dramatic effect before pulling out the detonator and pressing the button.

The tent behind him exploded, propelling pieces of burning wood and metal in random directions. Everyone's head turned to the source of the explosion and there were shouts of panic and orders being issued.

Pip smiled to himself. "Well, I guess it ees time to steal a helicopter."

* * *

Alucard joined Hazama on the rooftop, the latter of whom seemed to have calmed down after brutally mutilating Tubalcain. "So what's the deal with these Millennium bastards?"

"Patience, recruit. I expect that we will have to report this to Master anyway, so wait until then."

"Whatever floats your boat." Hazama said dismissively with a shrug. Seras suddenly kicked down the door to the staircase leading down from the roof. She seemed rather exhausted, her upper body slumping forward and she was panting rather profusely.

"Ah, so there you are, Police Girl. What kept you?"

"Try climbing up –pant- seven flights of –pant- stairs while carrying –pant- two really large –pant- and heavy coffins, a bag full –pant- of depleted uranium –pant- bullets and a big –pant- fucking gun!" Seras gasped out in between pants.

"Try drinking some blood before the mission next time. You will find your physical strength greatly improved." Alucard suggested.

"I –pant- am not going to –pant- drink blood!" Seras retorted.

Alucard was about to repeat the lecture about how Seras was now a vampire and how vampires cannot live off human food and must consume blood when a news helicopter flew up and hovered next to them.

"Land zere, next to zee man with see hat and zee two hot women!" Pip threatened the pilot of the aircraft with a gun aimed at his temple, who complied.

"Well hurry up, Police Girl. Those coffins aren't going to load themselves onto the helicopter you know."

"Yes, master." Seras whimpered.

* * *

**A/N: That's it for this chapter, the next one will feature a cameo from a character in the upcoming Marvel versus Capcom game and a Matrix reference. Please leave a review so I know what you guys are thinking and what I can do to make this fic better.**


	7. Chapter 7: The Plot Thickens

**A/N: Just felt like doing this one early, so lucky for you readers! Fighting's over for now, but in this chapter we introduce Millennium for real, and Hazama makes an enemy of Anderson. Enjoy.**

* * *

They had the pilot fly the news helicopter over to a random stretch of wood near the outskirts of Rio, where they got off after Alucard hypnotized the pilot and made him forget about what happened in the last five hours.

They managed to locate the highway, along which they walked for the better part of two hours until they came across a motel. They asked for a room and handed the cashier a large wad of notes that was clearly more than what they needed to pay. The cashier understood and winked, signifying that they were never here and he never saw them.

Alucard picked the key of the counter and made for the room without a word.

"I don't know about you, but I could do with maybe a little somezing to eat." Pip piped up.

"Second it." Hazama agreed while Seras walked after her master. She opened the door, only to get yelled at.

"Go away, Police Girl! I have to report our findings to Master."

Seeing as Alucard made the decision for her, Seras sighed and went to get her largest and thickest coat to shield her from the rising sun.

Alucard picked up the phone in the room and dialed the number for Integra's office, a number only the Queen, the Knights of the Round Table and a select few others knew. The ringing tone barely sounded for a second before the call was connected.

"Alucard?" Integra's voice came in over the receiver. It filled Alucard with joy to finally be able to hear her voice again.

"That is correct."

"Where are you now?" Integra demanded.

"In the outskirts of Rio, a remote town called Saint Rose." Alucard grinned, eager to share the good news he bore. "My mission is accomplished, Master. I have the enemy's plans etched in my mind."

The slightest hint of a smile tickled the side of Integra's mouth. "Good work."

Alucard grinned slightly at the praise. "Ja."

"Report to headquarters immediately. I want a formal report."

Alucard was a bit surprised. "Oh? The Round Table putting pressure on you?"

Integra bit her bottom lip. "Things would be less stressful if that were so. The order came from a higher authority; Her Majesty, the Queen. She has summoned the Knights."

Alucard seemed quite amused at this development. "Oho! The Queen!"

Integra, however, did not see the funny side to it. "You think it's funny? It's not!" She added the last bit for good measure. With Alucard you could never be too careful when it comes to this kind of thing. "Return immediately. We cannot make her wait."

As an afterthought, she added. "Also, Section Thirteen is on the move. I have no wish for them to steal our thunder!"

"By the way, Integra, did you enjoy watching the battle? Did it-"

Alucard was interrupted by Integra who was blowing into the receiver to simulate static. "Kssh… Sorry serv -kssh-, it seems that –kssh- connection at your –kssh- is breaking –kssh-. Just get back –kssh- now!" With that, she hung up.

Alucard looked at the receiver in confusion, then shrugged and placed the phone back on the receiver.

Hazama, Pip and Seras were inside a fast food restaurant. Seeing as it was still quite early in the morning, there were not many people in the establishment. There was, however, a silver-haired man in a stylish red coat making a fuss with one of the cashiers.

"What do you mean this joint doesn't serve pizza? What kind of self-respecting food outlet doesn't sell the greatest invention since the wheel?"

"I'm sorry sir, but this is a burger bar, not a pizza parlor." The teenage guy at the counter explained in a thick Spanish accent.

"Then make an exception! I'm a paying customer, so just whip one up and I'll pay!" The red-clad man said without a hint of remorse despite his every intention of running off without paying once the pizza changed hands.

"I'm sorry but we really don't have the ingredients to make one!" The teenage guy was practically pleading for him to leave.

The man in red was not having any of it. "Manager! I wanna speak to the manager of this joint! The guy at the counter isn't giving me satisfactory service!"

"Nice coat. Where'd ya get it?" Hazama randomly interrupted, cutting off the cashier's protests and pleas for mercy.

The man in red immediately forgot about his pizza upon being complimented on his style. "It's custom made. Nice to see someone around here that appreciates real style."

"Reminds me of my colleague, only he looks better in one."

Red coat guy locked his icy blue eyes with Hazama, who only gave a foxy grin. "Yeah? Well, what does your friend have to say about these?" he exclaimed as he drew a pair of handguns, one white and the other black. All the people in the restaurant saw fit to scream and some even ran out.

Hazama raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Actually, he also packs heat like that, even down to the color. But it's safe to say his guns are bigger than yours by a long shot."

The other guy's eyebrows shot up in surprise as he spun the guns in his hands and thrust them back into their holsters. "That so? Well, I'll put all my money that he doesn't have something like this!"

This time, he pulled out an eight foot long broadsword. It had an intricate hilt, a demonic skull complete with horns sitting atop a ribcage, the eyes on the skull seemed to glow with a soft red light. The blade was razor sharp, the light glancing off the cutting edge. The rest of the people ran out now.

Hazama stared wide-eyed at it and let out a low whistle. "Now that's new." He muttered. Pip and Seras had mysteriously disappeared but the two men were too focused on each other to care.

"How about we kick things up a notch?" The man said, swinging the sword up such that it rested on his shoulder. He made for the jukebox in the corner of the restaurant and pushed a button while proclaiming loudly; "Let's rock!"

The jukebox did not start playing music. The red coated man sighed heavily. "I said, let's ROCK!" He punched the machine hard, so hard that the casing had a large dent in it. Now it worked and it was playing 'Fucking Hostile' by Pantera.

The two men dashed towards each other and clashed. The red-clad man was surprised at Hazama's strength for he was holding back his JRPG-ish sword with a pair of freaking butterfly knives.

The two men basically ran around the restaurant fighting, thrashing the whole place and generally not giving a damn about it anyway. Pip and Seras walked back out of the kitchen and was about to call Hazama and get him to go back with them as they had not found any food but saw that he was occupied and decided to wait.

They stopped just as the jukebox played the last few seconds of music it would ever play. "That was quite a workout and I've worked up quite an appetite. See ya around." The man in the red coat walked towards the door and kicked it so hard it flew off its hinges and traveled for some 200 feet before smacking into a pasty skinned girl's head. A bronze haired guy who looked about seventeen and was even more pale than the girl ran to her side and started to cry out in a high-pitched girly voice, swearing revenge on whoever did this, but was really too much of a fairy to do anything to the culprit.

As the man left, the three Hellsing operatives just stared at him and tried to comprehend what had happened, then decided to forget it ever did and went back to the motel.

Upon arrival, Alucard told them that they had to get back to England within the day so they were going to steal an airplane, earning much protesting from Seras and Pip who said that it was plainly impossible.

Suddenly, Alucard turned his head towards the door and snarled 'Judas Priest…' Hazama beamed and ran to the bathroom with a comb and some hair gel he stole from Tubalcain during their fight.

Anderson kicked the door open and snarled; "Fee, fai, fo, fum. I smell the blood of vampire scum!"

Hazama then booted the door to the bathroom open, but his hat was off and instead of his usual grin he had on a grave and emotionless expression. He wore shades and his hair was slicked to the side with a lot of hair gel into a seven-three haircut. In other words, he looked like Agent Smith.

"Long time no see, Mr. Anderson…" He murmured in a monotone voice and drawing out the last syllable.

"Whit are ye talkin' about? Last time Ah saw ye was barely ae week ago." Anderson said in confusion.

"Why so serious, Mr. Anderson…?" Hazama continued, still keeping up with the act.

"Wha… Ye be a looney. Never mind. Ah was sent here tae give ye Protestant scum a ride home. There be a Vatican airstrip disguised as an agricultural one thirteen kilometers to thae north. There is ae small jet plane there with its engine warmed up for ye. Now I best be goin' before I rip all of ye to pieces."

With that, Anderson turned to leave. Everyone stared at Hazama who took the shades off and put his hat back on. "What?"

"We best head for the plane. Her Majesty is waiting." Alucard announced.

The ride on the plane was uneventful as the lot of them decided to sleep.

The meeting in Buckingham Palace was already underway as the four operatives entered with a dramatic flourish. "How nice to see everyone gathered here…"

"Who are you?" One of the Knights called out.

"Alucard, give your report." Integra demanded, answering the question.

Before Alucard could begin, there was uproar in the room as everyone was quite sure Alucard was male. "Order! Order!" A voice called out. Despite it belonging to an old lady, it still carried the pride and authority of royalty. Silence reigned.

"Alucard, why are you… dressed like that?" The voice came out again, pausing a little as its owner struggled to find the words that would carry her point across while at the same time not offend Alucard.

"It is a punishment bestowed upon me by my Master, Sir Integra." Alucard replied while bowing low.

"Well, change back to the form we are more accustomed to. It seems to be quite distracting to the male attendants of this meeting."

Alucard did not need to be told twice. His shadow distorted and rose to cover him and when they receded, Alucard was back in his seven-foot tall male body, complete with the trench coat. He seemed ecstatic to be free of his punishment as he started hollering and whooping, finishing his little celebration with sliding on his knees while playing an air guitar solo, much to the chagrin of those gathered.

"Alucard, are you quite done? Need I remind you that you are in the Queen's presence?" Integra muttered with a scowl.

Alucard ignored her and made for the Queen.

The Queen's bodyguards shouted at him to back off but he ignored them, stopping in front of the Queen. Alucard kneeled and she talked to him for a bit before Alucard rose and began his report for real.

"Once upon a time, there was an insane SS Major who wanted to form an army of undying soldiers, a military power that cannot be destroyed. It was eventually realized through his insanity and bloodshed."

"That's what Millennium is about?" Integra inquired.

"Correct. But fifty-five years ago, Walter and I thrashed those plans." The statement brought a smile to the elderly butler's lips.

"However, " Alucard continued, "They never gave up on their ambition. Everyone forgot, or wanted to forget they existed. But this organization went underground, carefully nursing its ambitions and grew in power slowly over the years.

"Now they're close to perfecting their research to create vampires. They'll have an entire battalion, an army of undying, inhuman soldiers. It's like the comeback of Siegfried's mythical army. The remnants of the Third Reich; 'Letztes Battalion.'"

There was much commotion around the table regarding the revelation, but was interrupted when a young boy with cat ears appeared out of nowhere. "You knew all zat from drinking Tubalcain's blood?" They boy spoke with a thick German accent. "Hmph. Ze useless fool."

A man(woman?) priest(priestess?) drew her gun at the same time as Pip, making to shoot the boy, but he claimed that he was but a special envoy and hence had no intention to start a fight.

"Special envoy? How'd you get in here? Walter?" Integra fired off the questions one after the other.

"All our defenses are intact, it seems they haven't been breached."

"Zose can't stop me, I'm everyvhere und novhere at ze same time. Now pay attention, I have un important message from mein kommandant, the Major, to all the representatives of Britain und the Watican gathered here." He announced while producing a small flat screen TV.

Seras seemed quite shocked that Millennium had one so young within their ranks, but saw fit to return the greeting the boy gave her.

He pushed a button on a remote control and the screen turned on, revealing the Major, who was looking up the skirt of a plastic figurine. Everyone was shocked at the display while Hazama snickered.

"Hmm? Vat? Its on?" The Major quickly put the figurine away and knit his hands together. "Sorry about zat. Ze Japanese craftsmen, zey are much skilled in their craft, to be able to add such detail. But I digress." He was cut off by the sound of gunshots in the background.

"Major, zat's quite ze commotion you have there."

"Indeed. It is wery hard to work with superiors who are weaklings. But I haf dealt vith ze problem. It is nice to see you again, Alucard." He smiled, but it was ugly, like a misshapen buttock turned sideways ugly. Sorry for putting that image in your head =D.

"Nice to see you again too, Major." Alucard returned the smile.

Integra was not into such formalities. "What is your aim?"

The Major's answer shocked all of those gathered. "Aim? We do not have un aim. I merely seek to sawor the endless joys of zis var, ze next var, ze var after zat, and all ze vars zat follow!"

"What? So you mean to say that you attacked and killed so many innocents for nothing?" One of the Knights asked in outrage.

"Shut up. It has been a long time since I have talked to a woman so do not interrupt, boy!" The Major spat out the last word vehemently.

The man was rather taken aback at the Major's outburst.

"Ze ends justify ze means, or so Michiavelli argued, but I do not care about zat. We do not haf an aim because zat means we can use vatever means we vant, in other words," The Major snapped his fingers. "People like us exist."

The camera changed to show an old man with three stars on his shoulder. He was bound and gagged with a sigh on him that read 'I am a defeatist' in German. Laying next to him were two other old men, each with two stars on their shoulders, both dead.

A large group of maybe fifty vampires, all dressed in the Nazi uniform lunged at the man, tearing him to little pieces.

"Finish him off. It is too troublesome to haf him turn into a ghül."

Stunned silence reigned supreme. Everyone was shocked at this display, except for Hazama who was picking his ear.

Maxwell was the first to speak. "You freaks are insane."

"Leader of Section Thirteen, Iscariot. You lot are as insane as ve are."

"Maybe we are, and not as upright as you think." Maxwell replied, emphasizing on 'upright'

"I am wery grateful to your god für preserving mein insanity, but let me ask you this; who do you think vill be able to preserve your god's sanity?"

Maxwell gritted his teeth and was about to spit something back but was cut off by the Major.

"Ve're the SS of ze Third Reich. How many people do you zink ve've killed? Ve are death stalkers, ve live un var and wiolence! Insane, you're only saying zat now? Your comment is late by fifty years!"

"Wery vell, bring it on! Come at me vith your full strength, but don't expect too much attention from mein. My enemy at the moment is not Section Thirteen but Britain! The Knights of the Round Table! But you can say that my enemy is the rather cheerful looking man over there." The Major pointed to somewhere behind them.

Everyone was stunned as they saw what he was pointing at. Alucard was sitting on one of the bodyguards who was on his hands and knees, drinking a blood pack while playing another air guitar solo. The bodyguard's face was bruised heavily and his sunglasses smashed. The other guard was nowhere to be seen.

Alucard looked up. "What? His speech was boring."

"Enough. Alucard, shoot him." Integra ordered.

Alucard got off his ass and brandished the Jackal, shoving it into the catboy's mouth and bowing his head open like an overripe melon filled with blood and brains.

"Special envoy? Surely you jest. Declaration of was? Balderdash. You and your underlings are merely cowardly terrorists! I have heard enough of your meaningless tripe. We shall enjoy wiping you off the face of this earth. Prepare to meet with the full force of our retaliation!" Integra continued.

"You are afraid, Fraulein. But you attempt to hide your fear by saying zose vurds."

Integra scowled as he saw through her guise.

"You really are a güt master. Now I understand vhy Alucard follows you."

As he finished the sentence, the remains of the catboy, blood, brains and all vanished without a trace, much to the astonishment of everyone gathered except for Hazama, who was leaning against the wall and had dozed off.

"Vell zen, ze next time we meet shall be on ze battlefield. Auf wiedersehen!"

"SERAS!" Integra screamed. Seras shot at the little screen with a rifle that appeared out of nowhere, indiscriminate of who might have been behind the screen.

"Lady Hellsing? Alucard?" The Queen called out. They turned to face her.

"This is an order. Destroy those bastards."

* * *

**A/N: Sorry if this chapter is a bit dull, but it is needed to advance the story. I also put in a couple of references, one very obvious devil hunter and another not so obvious Mary Sue and sparkly vampire. I plan on continuing this series after the events of Hellsing by going on to kill the Volturi in Twilight, so look forward to that. As always, leave a review so I can work on your suggestions.**


	8. Chapter 8: Shoppin' And Crashin' Planes

**A/N: This chapter was written like last week but i wasn't able to publish it because of fucking exams, so yeah. In this chapter, Alucard goes off and kills Rip van Winkle, and Hazama goes AWOL to get stuff for a secret project of his. Enjoy.**

* * *

"We received some satellite photos a few hours ago of the HMS Eagle, a new aircraft carrier that had been conducting an exercise in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean when a single helicopter attacked it. Look at what is painted on the deck." A rotund man with a bushy moustache and side-parting haircut said to Integra while handing her a few photographs.

Integra's eyes widened at the sight. It was the Nazi swastika. "Millennium… The Letztes Battalion…"

At the mention of those names, outrage broke out among the lesser officers occupying the room. Only Integra, Walter and the fat guy remained silent.

A few of the outbursts were directed at the overweight officer, saying that this was rather out of character for him as he was known to be down-to-earth and skeptical of things such as the occult, but he knew better.

He is Sir Penwood, one of the Knights of the Round Table and long time confidante of Integra. And by confidante I mean Integra buys stuff with his money.

"I don't know how much the queen trusts you, but you're deeply mistaken if you think that your special authority lets you do whatever you -" Integra interrupted a general, possibly the second-in-command, before he could finish telling her off.

"Oh, but my special authority does indeed let me do whatever I want when the situation is suspected to be Millennium's doing, and so it is. Please back out of the matter."

Penwood nodded grimly at the second man, indicating that this was indeed true. The officer scowled, but conceded. "Update her on the situation."

A third officer, this one holding a bunch of satellite photos, began talking. "After the incident, it reopened its communication lines after we tried to contact it several times, but it has yet to reply to us," He said, referring to the hijacked ship.

"We also conducted several recon patrols, but the crew did not respond either. It's as if the ship is completely empty, like a ghost ship." The man did not know how close he was to the truth with that statement.

"However, our latest reports reveal that there is a lone figure on the deck sitting under a sunshade. Two small helicopters from SAS are currently heading towards the ship to take charge of investigations and should be there any time soon."

Integra's face fell, feeling pity for the unfortunate soldiers aboard the helicopters. "Those poor men."

"What?" The general exclaimed.

"General, there is only one thing I can say about that."

"?"

"They're all going to die. All you have accomplished is the creation of thirty corpses."

This revelation caused the whole room to fall silent. The general initially wanted to ridicule her for such a statement, but the graveness of her tone coupled with the grimness of the statement told him that she was not joking in the least.

Suddenly, one of the radio operators yelled out in shock. "The helicopters have been set us up the bomb!"

The general's eyes widened with fear. "What you say? Were they shot down by the ship's weapons?"

"N-no, that wasn't it! It was the person on the deck, she shot them both down with… just one shot from a musket?"

"That does it! We have deemed this string of actions to have been caused by vampires and will take the necessary actions to deal with it. We shall take our leave."

As Integra and Walter walked along the corridor, they were discussing ways they could get at least one of their agents onto the boat and exterminate the infestation.

As they were running through the options and shooting them down one after the other, Alucard appeared. "But the fact of the matter is; you still have to get me onto that floating tin can. An impossible task it is not, unfortunately there is only one aircraft capable of accomplishing that feat."

"Alucard, where is the new agent?" Integra inquired, expecting him to be tailing Alucard. She had also wanted him to participate in the operation. Despite Alucard being able to take care of anything; being immortal and ridiculously powerful, one could never be too careful.

"He said something about working on a private project that could serve us very well in the near future and a little vacation from work."

Integra sighed. Although Hazama was slightly less annoying than Alucard by virtue of his ability to restrain himself in the presence of authority, he seems to be a little hard to control as well. Alucard would have to do.

"Fine, get on that plane and get rid of the Nazi scum infesting the ship. Now."

"With pleasure, Master." Alucard said with a toothy grin before vanishing melting into the shadows.

* * *

"Hmm… lessee… things needed for an orbital laser cannon powered by magic..." Hazama muttered to himself while walking down one of the streets in London's shopping district. The list he had was quite long and was recycled and adapted from his first attempt at making an orbital laser cannon powered by magic, the Take-Mikazuchi.

That thing was really powerful, being able to turn an entire country into a big smoking crater in one blast, but took four years to recharge.

He had other ideas for this one though. He intended to use it more defensively so wiping out the city he needed to defend as part of his job was out of the question, and then there was the thing about recharging. Well, he wasn't in any rush, so he could afford to make a few mistakes and detours.

* * *

Alucard was quite comfortable in the cockpit of the plane. It was the EXP-14LIE, an experimental plane modified from American SR-71 reconnaissance planes built for the sole purpose of breaking aircraft speed records.

He was cruising at an altitude of about 85000 feet and at a speed of just under mach 3 while a few fighter jets attacked the ship and are in the process of being shot down by the mysterious magical bullets. They were but a distraction so he would be that much less likely to be shot down.

Down on the recently rechristened Atlantic Naval Flagship of the Third Reich, Adora, the bridge was in uproar. After shooting down the three fighter jets scrambled to attack them, there was still another target on the radar, only this one was flying at 85000 feet and three times the speed of sound.

It was also not helping that the person in charge of their company was flipping out about some demon of some random hunt called Samiel coming down to give their asses a whooping of royally epic proportions.

"The enemy is descending rapidly!"

"What?"

"Shit, don't tell me it's gonna crash into the ship!"

The second in command of the company did not panic and instead fired out orders one after the other. "Engines, full speed ahead! Avoid the plane at all costs! CIWS! Put up a barrage, hurry!"

Rip Van Winkle added her efforts to stopping the madman piloting the plane, but it was futile. It was travelling too fast and the fact that it was nose-diving into them only meant that even if they shot it down, its broken and burning husk will crash down on them anyway.

The high caliber rounds from the heavy chainguns tore into the plane, tearing away pieces of metal from its frame. Rip's magic bullet swerved and danced around the aircraft, hitting it multiple times. Finally the plane exploded, garnering cheers from the crew of the ship.

But it was not meant to be. Shadows erupted from within the flames that enveloped the plane as Alucard recited the incantation to release his powers. The shadows took form, thousands of eyes snapping open as they morphed into hundreds of arms, their fingers clawing at the air, reaching for something to rip apart.

The shadows spread out and covered the plane, extinguishing the flames and forming into monstrous bat-like wings, guiding it to the deck.

As the big shadow-plane thing hurtled towards them after being blown up, the Nazis all looked on in shock, simultaeniously yelling out "WHAT THE FU-", but were cut off by the plane crashing onto the deck with a very loud boom as what did not explode during the gunfire exploded now, turning the plane into a fireball again while Alucard's maniacal laughter rang out over the roar of flames.

* * *

"Screws… check. Nails… check. Formula One race car engines… check. Jumbo-sized light emitting diodes… check." Hazama murmured as he walked through the aisles, throwing the things written down on his list into a shopping cart. He had stumbled across a store called Akumart. It claimed to sell anything and everything that there is or ever was, and so far it was living up to its claim.

He was nearly done with his shopping, missing only rocket fuel to get his project up to space and a little something to act as its power source, something he was sure to not find in this dimension, so he had to really rack his brain to find something that could act as a suitable substitute.

The magic he used back in his dimension ran on something called seithr, the remains of a failed experiment of his that floated around everywhere. He could make another one of that failure to create the seithr, but then he'd run the risk of killing the whole world and that was not something he'd like to gamble on.

He stumbled across a person whom he assumed to be the shopkeeper as he did not meet any other shoppers while shopping, which was odd as the place was rather large and sold everything from groceries to firearms.

The shopkeeper had hair that was the color of blood, as were his eyes which seemed to glow from within. He was wearing an apron over a black sleeveless karate dougi but was barefoot. Well-toned muscles rippled all over his body as he turned to face his seemingly sole customer.

"Hey, nice place ya got here. Ya weren't kiddin' when ya said that ya sold everything and anything that there is or ever was, huh?" Hazama said conversationally.

"I am glad you find that my services are satisfactory, but please let me know if there is anything that you need but are unable to locate." The man replied in a deep and smoky voice. This man reminded Hazama of a Japanese Alucard for some reason.

"Well, actually I am lookin' for a little something as an energy source…"

The shopkeeper's eyes narrowed slightly, making him look all the more menacing. "The battery section is over there." He said, hooking a thumb over his shoulder.

Hazama grinned. The fact that the man narrowed his eyes meant that he may have exactly what Hazama was looking for. "Ya see, the energy source I'm lookin' for is… how should I put it… otherworldly."

The man nodded slightly, but he was still eyeing Hazama with some suspicion. "Come with me."

The man led Hazama to the breakfast cereal section, drawing more than a few questions pertaining to his sanity or if he was mistaken. He just ignored him and handed him a box.

The box had the shopkeeper's picture on it sans apron. He was holding a bowl of cereal and milk with one hand while the other was held above the bowl and spewing O-shaped and fireball-shaped cereal bits. The text on the box gaudily proclaimed; 'AkumOs! Now with red hadokens and extra Dark Hadou!'

Hazama raised an eyebrow at the shopkeeper.

"Dark Hadou is a very potent source of dark magical energy. Caused quite a few of my earlier customers to asplode from it as they weren't able to stand it."

Hazama focused on the box and now that he mentioned it, it did feel evil somehow, a bit like the Black Beast. Hazama grinned. "I'll take a hundred boxes of these."

* * *

On the Adora, debris from the crashed plane rained down, squashing and cutting up some of the Nazi vampires that were too close to the crash site, splattering the deck with gore. Through the fire and the flames strode out Alucard, his trademark bat fuck insane grin splitting his pale face in half while his eyes burned with anticipation for the imminent bloodbath.

Rip sat on the deck trembling with fear at the sight of Alucard. She remembered her talk with the Major when she was indoctrinated, remembered him telling her of the opera from which she got her namesake the Sharpshooter.

"Do you know the ending of 'Der Freischutz'?" The Major had asked. "Kaspar, the huntsman who taunted the demon king Samiel was dragged into hell and was thrown into its deepest pits. Those who play at being ghosts will turn into ghosts themselves. Be prepared, Lieutenant, for Samiel will also appear before you."

Alucard reached out slowly for her. She whimpered in fear, drawing away from the vampire's hand but her legs felt like jelly, not obeying her orders to get the fuck away from the demon in front of her.

The sound of fire interrupted her panicking as several bullets slammed into Alucard's back and head.

"Lieutenant!" The leader of her company of vampires called out. She was finally able to move, scrambling away from the ancient vampire behind her and to the 'safety' of her allies as one of the men fired an RPG at Alucard, blowing him to bits.

"Pull yourself together, Lieutenant! Is this how a werewolf should behave?" Her second in command shook her, trying to snap her out of shock. "The Major ordered you to guard the ship for just a little while longer, so until then you've got to do something!"

"Monsters!" Alucard's voice boomed out over the roaring of the flames, sounding like it came from the very depths of hell. "Products of insanity!"

Alucard was still largely intact but missing the top half of his head and a good portion of his torso. What was left of his body started to stretch and distort, snapping bones and ligaments and ripping skin as the Nazis looked on in horror. Finally his body dissolved into shadows, save for his hands and feet which fell lifelessly to the floor.

That was enough for the Nazis, who opened fire out of fear. Bullets tore through Alucard's shadows, but being shadows; which are known to be quite intangible, the bullets did squat.

"Bullets don't hurt him, use grenades!" Seriously, if bullets couldn't do jack shit what difference do you think grenades will make?

They threw grenades, they exploded, and Alucard turned up out of nowhere in his straitjacket and grew about nine thousand arms which went on to tear up the Nazi vampires. Told you so.

He left Rip alone though, so he could have some fun with her later(I leave it up to your imagination what kind of fun he wants to have with her.) and she was cowering in a corner with her musket, whimpering 'Samiel' to herself over and over while making puppy dog eyes.

* * *

Hazama paid in cash. Now you readers may be wondering how he got all the money to pay for the race car engines and cereal seeing as his job does not include cash payment, but he liberated certain assets from their previous owners for his own personal agenda. In simpler words, he stole it.

Tubalcain was dead, so there wasn't much to say. Dead men had no use for money so Hazama just took it and helped him spend it for money is meant to be spent, and he did remember something about Tubalcain calling Hazama his 'bro', and Hazama assumed that bros are generous with their monetary assets towards each other; and so he helped himself. He also had a lot of assorted gold accessories which Hazama pawned for cash, but the bulk of his funds came from the Vatican private jet.

The interior was well furnished with numerous gold ornaments and when Hazama looked at it, he thought that the rich and generous Vatican popes and all would be happy to give a poor man with no monetary pay some of their wealth. Even if they weren't, he figured that they were so stinking filthy rich that they could afford to refurnish the plane with no difficulty anyway.

And so he just took all of those things without a shred of guilt, not that he had much of a conscience to begin with seeing as he wanted to destroy the world, set loose one of his failed experiments to kill off 90 percent of the world's population and satellite-lasered an entire city for no apparent reason at all.

He strolled back to the Hellsing manor and was in the process of waiting for his purchases to arrive so he could start on his project.

* * *

**A/N: Well, that's it for chapter 8. I can imagine this series ending somewhere around chapter 13, and the next chapter has the Major finally getting his blubbery ass onto his fucking blimp and invading London while Hazama gets ready for the big unveil of his project. If you didn't get the jokes about Akuma having a store called Akumart, you can find the picture on and as for AkumO's, look up Akuma on . So as always, please, man! I'm begging on my knees! Leave a review!**


	9. Chapter 9:Situation Normal,All Fucked Up

**A/N: Well here it is, Millennium is coming down to kill London and all its inhabitants to death, and Hellsing is going to stop them, or die trying. The Vatican is chilling just across the English Channel, Maxwell waiting for his forces to get their pointy hats down to England. The shit is going to hit the fan in this chapter, so enjoy.**

* * *

The Major, Captain and Doctor, referred to as Dok, stepped back onto the flagship of the Nazi fleet, the _Moe-Moe-Kyun!_. They were carrying many plastic bags, all having an anime girl's face as well as the word 'Comiket' printed on them. The Major had announced that they would be taking a 'detour' to Japan on the way to London despite the two places being in opposite directions, but he'd be damned if he missed the biggest anime convention in history.

Some of the bags were filled to the brim with assorted figurines of girls in various outfits, those with skirts being very short and blown upwards and exposing their panties, as well as other outfits like maid uniforms and school swimsuits. Other bags were filled with mangas drawn by the fans, called doujinshi and yet others carried various visual novels, all with pornographic scenes.

"Zat vas ze best Comiket I haf ever been to!" Dok said happily to the Major.

"Ja, the cosplayers were wery güt, zat one who cosplayed as Yoko actually had boobs as big as zose in the anime!" The Major responded just as enthusiastically,

The Captain remained silent as always, but nodded his head twice in affirmation that he did enjoy the convention as well. He was very trigger happy with his camera, bringing five spare batteries as well as twenty empty memory cards, all the batteries dead and all the memory cards filled after each day.

"Ve shall make for London now! I hope zat Lieutenant Rip van Winkle has some güt news for us." The Major announced as he dropped his fat ass onto the biggest and most heavily padded chair on the bridge. It was totally pimped out, with massage and temperature controls as well as a cup holder and coffee machine.

"Actually, herr Major, Rip van Winkle was wiolently killed, maimed and dewoured by Alucard a day ago vhile you und ze ozers were at ze conwention." A random soldier reported the death to the Major.

"Is zat so? Ve shall observe a minute of silence for her passing." A minute passed. "But ve must not despair, ve must make zis an even greater war as a tribute to her spirit. It vill be vat she vants."

The engines of all the zeppelins in the fleet, a total of about seven, started as they took off and headed west for London.

* * *

"Wait, Mr. Hazama, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?" Seras asked, raising her eyebrow. She and Hazama were playing a children's card game to pass the time while they were waiting for Integra to get back from her meeting with Sir Penwood.

"Yeah, I did. What about it?" Hazama asked, his golden eyes glinting mischievously, waiting for her to take the troll bait.

"That's against the rules!" Seras explained. Jackpot.

"Screw the rules, I have green hair!" Hazama exclaimed proudly.

Seras was about to retort about how green hair did not have anything to do with the children's card game they were playing and even if it did it still would not allow him to break the rules when they heard a series of explosions coming from the East End of London. They ran out the door to find that the entire business district of the capital of Britain was in flames and seven blimps were hovering over the blazing city.

Several missiles streaked out from both sides of a zeppelin, snaking through the air and impacting on a random building and blowing it to hell.

Just then, a car skidded to a stop in front of the manor, in it was Pip. "Sacré blue! I was down at ze bar when shit started blowing up!"

"Well, I think it's about time to show ya all the fruits of my labor." Hazama said, garnering confused looks from both Pip and Seras.

"Take-Mikazuchi XIII Gold Alpha Third Strike Five D Maximum Impact Rebirth Ver. Ka, activate! Blow that blimp to Kingdom Come!" Hazama yelled out to the sky. Pip and Seras looked at him, thinking that he was mad.

* * *

Up in low orbit, a cocoon-shaped satellite opened up and a black mass with eyes and a red rimmed mouth stuck out. It took aim at the target given by its maker and seemed to mouth the words "Ima firin' my laser" before letting loose a blue- white beam of pure energy from its mouth.

* * *

Down on the target zeppelin, the vampire officer in charge of communications was about to yell out in shock as there was a large energy signature heading their way. He was not able to report his findings as the ship exploded, turning from an oversized oblong balloon into a large red fireball and assorted bits and pieces of metal and body bits.

Everyone who saw this; the survivors of the initial attack, the other Nazis, the Knights of the Round Table, the Vatican, Integra and Walter, Alucard, Seras and Pip, they all shouted "Son of a BITCH!" in shock at the same time while Hazama laughed maniacally at his handiwork.

"What the hell was that? One second the zeppelin was there blowing things to bits, then there was this beam of light and this 'BLAAARGHH" sound, then the zeppelin turned into fireworks!" Seras was still trying to comprehend what had happened.

"That there was my little personal project! Awesome, innit? It's made from little bits and pieces of household objects and runs on evil energy-infused breakfast cereal!" Hazama boasted.

Seras was not listening, and even if she were, she wouldn't have understood what he was saying anyway. She was just shocked at the fact that a random beam of light just asploded a zeppelin.

* * *

Up in the _Moe-Moe-Kyun!_, there was pandemonium. Random German words flew about as they tried to understand what the fuck just happened. A flash of light and a 'BLAAAARGHH', and one of their airships was gone.

The Major however, was not at all upset by the loss, if anything he was ecstatic. He loved everything about war, both destroying the enemy and getting destroyed, blowing the opposition to bits and getting blown to bits by the opposition.

"Hahahaha! I do not know vat trick you just pulled, but it vas splendid, vonderful! I am wery much looking forward to vat ozer zings you've got up your sleeves, Hellsing!" The Major was laughing so hard he nearly fell off his chair, the Dok was smiling knowingly while the Captain just stoned.

Back at the communications room where Integra and Walter were having their meeting with Penwood and his officers, they were all staring at the screen in shock, all their mouths agape.

"What in the Queen's name just happened?" Integra finally managed to choke out.

"It would seem that a beam of light struck out from the heavens and incinerated one of Millennium's airships." Walter muttered, still quite shocked.

"I know what it looks like! I want to know if the thing that fired that is on our side or was it a botched attempt by Millennium!" Integra raged.

The whole room was silent.

Integra sighed heavily. "Fine, we'll just forget about it for now. What's the situation with the surviving blimps?"

"They have stopped firing missiles in random directions and seem to be deploying troops!"

* * *

On the Nazi vampire catapult, a voice counted down from five to zero in German before giving the all clear for take-off.

"Heine Westenfluss! Gouf! Launching!" One of the vampires yelled out before the catapult launcher things attached to his feet hurled him off the aircraft like they always do in GUNDAM animes. Unlike a Gouf, which is armed with laser cannons, a beam sword and a weird energy-whip-thingamajig, he was armed with a rifle, an RPG-7 and a shovel. Oh yeah, and vampiric strength and agility.

"Goddamn! I always wanted to say that!" He yelled out as he descended to the streets of London. Hundreds of vampires launched off of the six blimps, landing without the aid of parachutes and proceeding to slaughter any and all humans they came across, young and old, man and woman, rich and poor. They made no discrimination and swept through London like a plague of death, killing everything that moved and turning them into ghouls.

Soon the streets were overrun with the living dead, all groaning and clawing at the air, searching for living flesh to feed on as the Major stood on the top of the _Moe-Moe-Kyun!_ and waved his hands around like an idiot, which he later claimed to be 'conducting the symphony of war'.

* * *

"Seras, go get zat weapon Walter prepared! Looks like ve are going to need it!" Pip ordered and Seras disappeared with a gust of wind. Vampiric speed lets her do that.

"Hazama, do zat 'BLAAARGHH' zing again! Zere are still more vampires coming!"

"Would if I could. The thing needs forty minutes to recharge." Hazama said with a shrug.

"Zat is too long!" Pip shouted in disbelief.

"What's too long, my dick?" Hazama retorted.

Pip sighed and went to gather the other Geese. He needed to brief them on the plan of action while Hazama chuckled to himself. He looked up at the blimps and smiled while his snake eyes glinted maliciously.

* * *

"Make for ze Hellsing manor, ve vill crush any and all survivors after the salvo Herr Major has spared for us!" Lieutenant Zorin commanded as she stood at attention on the bridge of the second zeppelin of the Millennium fleet, imaginatively named Zeppelin 2( I am NOT making this up, check Volume 6 of Hellsing if you don't believe me.)

Zorin was built like a man despite being a woman, garnering many sniggers in the mess hall that resulted in less-than-squeaky-clean walls and floor tiles after she was done with the perpetrators. She had tattoos covering the entire right half of her body and a really large scythe, its razor sharp blade gleaming wickedly.

The pilot of the zeppelin plotted the necessary course by cursing very loudly in German and pounding his head on the control panel which had been specially reinforced for the pilot so they would not need to replace the console every half minute.

Zorin grimaced at the spectacle and turned towards another officer, this one saner. "Vat's his name? He needs a demotion."

"Ve don't really know, all it said on his application form was 'Angry German Kid'." The officer replied.

"Vell, it matters not as long as he can get us there without crashing the ship." Zorin said with a frown that only managed to take form on the side of her face that was not covered in tattoos.

A series of explosions resounded through the hull as the V9 missiles fired from the flagship exploded. "Vat? Vat happened? Give me a sit-rep right now!" Zorin yelled.

"Ze V9s were all shot out of ze sky and zere are thousands of heavy caliber rounds being fired at us! The origin of ze rounds is the Hellsing HQ!" The guy in charge on radar and damage control answered.

"Searchlights, now! I vant to see who is doing this!" Zorin ordered as more rounds tore into the ship and the vampire known as the Angry German Kid started flipping out for real, using his teeth to try and rip out some of the keys as well as kicking at the steering wheel-thing.

"But ve vill be giving away our position!" One of the junior officers called out.

"If she could not see us, how would she be shooting at us so accurately, zink about zat dumbfuck!" Zorin reprimanded. The officer started to whimper and sob.

The searchlights snapped on and probed the grounds of the Hellsing estate, finally landing on Seras who was looking right pissed with her arms folded across her large chest and pouting. With a METEOR unit strapped to her back.

The eyes of every single soldier on Zeppelin 2 simultaneously widened in shock at the size of her equipment(lol) as their mouths fell open. "Vat ze fuck is zat thing strapped to her back?" Zorin yelled out over the racket made by the Angry German Kid jumping up and down over his console.

Seras decided then to go Rambo on Zeppelin 2, complete with the Rambo 'AAAAAAAA'. More bullets the size a human arm tore into the blimp and took out one of its engines, causing it to lose altitude rapidly.

"Ve can still save the ship! Pull up! Pull up!" Zorin ordered. The Angry German Kid took the opportunity to rip out the entire control panel and use it to beat another officer while yelling 'ROID RAAAAGE!'.

This sent the zeppelin into a nosedive targeted at the Hellsing HQ. Seras attached a couple of 'WHAT THE FUCK' sized tubes that contained 'OMFGWTFBBBQ' sized grenades to the barrels of her twin cannons and fired both at the crashing blimp, putting Fourth of July fireworks displays to shame.

Seras took the opportunity to dump the METEOR unit and picked up the Harkonnen, making for the Hellsing conference room where Pip was so as to report the situation and formulate their next plan of action.

* * *

Zorin and what was left of her men landed from their jump of the zeppelin which was now a really big bonfire. Angry German Kid was left behind.

"How many of you are zere?" Zorin barked.

"Right now zere are but 42(HOLY SHIT!) of us now, but our morale is high! Ve vill tear those Hellsing dogs to pieces!" One of them replied.

"Güt, now CHAAAARGE!"

They charged, the one leading the mob of vampires yelling out "LEEROOOOY JEEEENKIIIINS!" like a battle cry. They ran onto a minefield and half of them were blown to itty bitty little vampire bits while Pip gave a short monologue about how vampires can read sword strokes and dodge bullets and shit but can't do nuts against a minefield.

"IT'S A TRAP!" One of the vampires, incidentally named Ackbar but he was only a private and not an admiral, called out.

"No shit, Sherlock!" Another retorted as they retreated as the Wild Geese holed up in the Hellsing manor launched grenades very accurately at the retreating vampires, blowing up more of them and garnering cries of displeasure, most of them consisting of 'hackers!', 'aimbot!' or 'campers!'.

Zorin was quite pissed and she vented her anger by bitch-slapping the ground and infecting it with her tattoos, which then turned into another Zorin but grew really large while Zorin cackled in a high pitched voice and yelled out "Make my monster grow!"

Big Zorin then started to cut up the building with her scythe and the Wild Geese started to run about like the Headless Chickens, clutching their wounds and yelling out in pain, while Seras used her third-eye thing and took careful aim at Zorin, putting a bullet into her cheek. Why she did not aim a little higher and a little more to the right, I do not know.

This dispersed the illusion of Big Zorin owning them, but it was only a distraction for the vampires to stick knives onto the minefield and use them as stepping stones. How they got so many knives when the armory of their ship is burning is another mystery.

They stormed the manor and started tearing apart the Wild Geese and draining them of their blood, not to say that the Geese weren't trying to put up a fight but they are only human. Seras and Hazama split up and ran around the place, killing any vampires that they came across and decapitating any bodies, living or dead, that were bitten.

Soon however, they were pushed back to the conference room. They barricaded the door with everything in the room, but it was blown to smithereens with a Panzerfaust. Zorin and four other vampires walked in.

"It seems to be our victory Hellsing. You have caused a great deal of damage to Millennium, vat vith blowing ze Zeppelin 2 up, so I vill make your deaths very slow and very, very painful." Zorin said with a sick grin that only took shape on the side of her face that was not tattooed.

"Uh, just curious but… do you have a penis?" Hazama asked.

"Vat, no! I am a woman!" Zorin exclaimed while blushing on the clean side of her face.

"She does look like a man, don't she?" Hazama insisted, turning to Pip, who nodded in agreement.

"Wee. Ze only zing zat tells me zat she is a woman is her boobs."

'Just for zat, your deaths vill be even slower and many times more painful." Zorin said with a very deep scowl that actually spread to the tattooed side of her face this time.

"You mad?" Hazama taunted.

"YES! I! MAD!" Zorin roared before lunging at Hazama. The other vampires took this as their cue to go nuts on the others, which Seras promptly turned to really wet crimson confetti. With that taken care off, they turned to watch the fight between Hazama and the tranny.

"I am NOT a TRANNY!" Zorin yelled up at the ceiling. Yeah, suuuuuure you're not.

"Who ya talking to, I didn't say anything yet." Hazama said with genuine confusion. You would be confused too if someone your fighting just up and yelled a denial to a non-existent insult.

"FUCK YOUR FACE!" Zorin screamed while swinging her scythe, which Hazama easily dodged. This didn't stop her(him?) from trying again, and again, and again, and again, and… you get the idea.

It wasn't long before she decided to start with a target that was not like a greased bar of wet soap that drunk a whole liter of Red Bull .So she impaled Pip with her scythe, enraging Seras who had not drank any blood prior to the invasion and hence Seras got her ass handed to her.

Zorin then cut off her left arm and blinded her, after which Hazama delivered a swift boot to Zorin's head and started dodging scythe swings again as he cackled maniacally and taunted her repeatedly.

Meanwhile, Seras crawled over to a dying Pip, got force kissed and was persuaded to drink his blood, which Pip claimed would give her 'unlimited POWAAAAH!'.

She drunk his blood, grew new eyes and a shadow-tendril-left-arm thing and proceeded to interrupt Hazama's scythe dodging by grabbing Zorin's head and slamming it into the wall repeatedly. She then proceeded to press her face against said wall while running at full speed, grinding her face into bits of skin, blood and bone. This seemed to please Hazama.

The two looked over to the remaining members of the Wild Geese, two of them in total. They saluted Seras as if acknowledging her as their leader despite their leader being eaten by her. She ran and jumped out the window, her new shadow-arm turning into a wing which she used to fly like a drunk man driving a sports car; swerving in random directions at 100mph.

Hazama launched his chain out the window and pulled himself in the general direction Seras was flying at, but was prepared to change directions if she up and decided to go in another direction while the two Geese stared at the broken window and wondered if their contract still stands.

* * *

On the wreckage of the HMS Eagle, Alucard was humming a song as he willed the ship to move towards London. "My coffin lies over the ocean, my coffin lies over the sea… My coffin lies over the ocean, and anyone who touched it will be sorry..."

* * *

Maxwell sat on a foldable lawn chair while reading an English newspaper. He had a lot if time on his hands as he was waiting for the members of the 9th crusade to get their asses over to his position so he could get promoted and lead an army of religious fanatics into a city full of zombies and vampires and certain death. Life is good sometimes.

He reached for a small cocktail glass, filled with a vodka martini that was stirred but not shaken. Why a cocktail was not shaken is yet another mystery that will go on unsolved. He looked through the glass at the city of London, once a city full of life, now the very picture of hell on earth. He smiled as he thought about how those Protestant pigs where finally getting what was coming to them and downed the cocktail in one swift gulp. He then fell off his chair after getting piss drunk as he was rather weak to alcohol. Life really sucks sometimes.

* * *

**A/N: Well, that's it for this chapter. Sorry if the fight scene with Zorin seemed like an abridged series; short and not making any sense at all, but it was the best I could come up with. And speaking of Yoko cosplayers, I was at a cosplay festival over the weekend and I took a picture with a Yoko cosplayer aiming her huge-ass rifle at me. It was full of lulz and fail at the same time. I will change my profile picture to that one so check it out if you want. As always, leave a review and thanks to those who actually responded to my begging.**


	10. Chapter 10: Situation Update: FUBAR

**A/N: Well, here it is. All the major powers in the manga are gathered together to fucking kill the entirety of London to beyond death, although the several hundred vampires running through the streets of London prior to this may already have accomplished this, but the point is everyone's here and it's gonna be one hell of a party. In this chapter, Alucard fights Anderson after the pointy hats invade London, as well as other miscellaneous happenings that I will try to make more entertaining. Also, for those who are not sure of the relation between Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars and the current Pope, here's a link showing their similarities: .****. Have fun.**

* * *

Maxwell was still lying back on his lawn chair, taking a nap. There was an English newspaper covering his face, which he presumably read before getting bored out his skull and dozing off; an effect newspapers tend to have.

A bunch of priests approached him and started talking about how he sodomized random young boy church inductee A while he made random inductee B suck his dick. "Shut up, I'm trying to envision what kind of praise Emperor Palpa- I mean His Holiness the Pope Benedict will give me when I kill all these Protestant peasants." The priests carried on talking about molesting underage boys anyway.

Just then, a large bunch of helicopters appeared out of nowhere and landed in the clearing he was in. Being the stick of a man that he was, it was a wonder he wasn't sent flying into the depths of the English Channel.

From the helicopters strode out a veritable army of grown men dressed like idiots. Their uniform consisted of perfectly sensible battle armor accompanied with not-so-sensible long barreled rifles complete with a completely ridiculous hat that made most of the lot of them look like they were cosplaying as a couple thousands of pure white Patrick Stars.

"Knights of the Cunty Sword reporting for duty, unit 340 strong!" One of them called out. His unit's hat had a cross with a pointy bottom end for eyeholes.

"Casablanca La Nether-regions Knights reporting for duty, unit 118 strong!" This one's unit's hats had a small cross surrounded by larger holes that formed a bigger cross with plenty of holes at the bottom. Maybe their suits have a fusion reactor in them or something and the holes are for cooling off, I don't know.

"Saint Step-on-your-toes Knights and Tussle Cohort reporting for duty, unit 257 strong." This bunch's hats looked like a chicken that overdosed on beak-enhancing steroids.

"Maltesers Knights reporting for duty, unit 2,457 strong!" These guys are the Patrick Stars.

Maxwell lost marbles there and then and joined the rest of the main cast in being bat fuck insane. A bunch of Patrick Stars walked up and knelt before him and one of them spoke. "We are here to take part in battle by order of Emperor Palpa- I mean His Holiness the Pope, as well as to bring news that Bishop Maxwell has been promoted and shall henceforth be known as Court Jester Maxwell."

"Wait, what?" Maxwell's eyebrow shot up about a foot, his face being the picture of confusion as the knight produced a jester's hat. You know, the one with three prongs with little bells on the ends.

"This is an outrage! What kind of promotion is this?" Maxwell raged.

The knights that were kneeling in front of him were no longer kneeling but rolling around on the grass laughing their hats off. This did not serve to quell Maxwell's Italian rage.

"It's not funny!" Maxwell screamed. It is funny, deal with it.

The knights had finally calmed down. "Sorry about that,(pfft) but I was dared to do it by my superior officer (giggle, snort). But really, you are promoted and shall henceforth be known as Archbishop Maxwell." This time he produced a stole made of the finest crimson silk and embroidered with threads of pure gold. This calmed Maxwell down.

He draped the stole around his neck with dramatic flourish and yelled at the men. "Alright men, we are here to take part in the 9th Crusade, to take over London and wipe the Protestant filth from this planet while at the same time owning some bloodsuckers. Now get your pointy hats back on those choppers and make for London!"

"Yes, Your Eminence!" The men yelled back as one, but one of them saw fit to whisper under his breath; 'Court Jester'. A vein on Maxwell's temple bulged out, but he restrained himself with effort. The army boarded the choppers which took off and made for the blazing skyline of London.

* * *

"We ask ahselves, whit are ye?" Anderson shouted out randomly, the group of Nazi vampires that surrounded him looked at each other in confusion. Out of nowhere, around a hundred voices responded in unison; "We are Iscariot! Judas Iscariot!"

The vampires looked up, and on the roofs of the surrounding buildings stood a large group of men with sunglasses and trench coats. The men jumped down from their vantage point.

"And Iscariot, Ah ask thee; whit do ye hold in yer right hand?" Anderson continued the chant.

"A knife and poison!" The men responded. The vampires roared out a challenge and charged the group.

"And Iscariot, Ah ask thee; whit do ye hold in yer left hand?"

"Thirty pieces of silver and a rope!" A tranny and a nun joined in the chorus.

"And so!" Anderson crowed as he drew two bayonets and slashed a vampire that was dumb enough to charge Angel Dust into little pieces. "And so, Iscariot! Whit are ye?

"An apostle and yet not an apostle, a disciple and yet not a disciple, a member of the faith and yet not a member of the faith!" He pulled more bayonets out of nowhere as the rest of the vampires prepared to charge. "A traitor, and yet not a traitor!"

"As the condemned, as the condemned, we can only grovel and ask the Lord fer fergivness. We are the ones who can only grovel and defeat the enemies of our Lord! We are the ones who wield knives on moonless nights and serve poison fer supper. We are assassins, assassins of Judas!" Anderson proclaimed as he hurled the bayonets at the vampires, which sliced through their flesh like, well, knives through flesh.

"When the time comes, we shall throw thirty pieces 'a silver into a holy place and hang ahselves with our rope!" The group of men brandished their pistols and opened fire and the vampires responded in kind.

"We apostles shall gather and descend ta hell and line up in a square, and go to war with the OVER THOUSAAAAAAAAND demons in hell till the day 'a the apocalypse!" Men and monster fell under the hail of bullets put up by both parties while Anderson soaked the slugs up like a lead-absorbent sponge and cut up the opposition. Tranny opened fire with twin desert eagles while random nun went ninja samurai on the vampires.

While they were busy massacring the hapless vampires, Alucard finally made landfall. He sprinted across the deck of the ship and used it like a runway before pushing off with his feet and soaring above the ruined city, manic grin on his face and guns in his hands. He was about to yell out from the adrenaline rush when he crashed into Seras who was still flying as if she was drunk and on acid at the same time.

He would have yelled out in surprise and confusion were he not glomped by her ample assets but he tried anyway, causing Seras to shriek in embarrassment. Joining the Hellsing group reunion a moment later was Hazama who crashed into them and sent them tumbling towards the Hyde Park.

Any normal person crashing from their altitude would have been instantly killed but we're talking about two vampires and an ex-zombie ninja cyborg who is now a ghost from the past from the future, so they're fine.

They tumbled for about a hundred meters before finally coming to a stop. They got up with no small amount of difficulty and Seras threw up from their little roller coaster ride.

"So, we've all conveniently bumped into each other at the right time but at the wrong place." Alucard started.

"Wrong place? Ya damn right it was the wrong place! It was like what, about a kilometer above the ground?" Hazama yelled.

Seras tried to say something, but hurled again.

"Well then, what's the situation since my departure?" Alucard inquired. "Well, first the Nazi bastards invaded our headquarters, massacred pretty much all of our fodder, then Seras took a drink out of Frenchy and grew this weird shadow arm thing and we killed the guy, girl, thing, in charge of that group, and now we're here."

"What of my Master?" Alucard asked again, a hint of worry creeping into his voice. Hazama shrugged.

"We must not dally; we shall search for Integra at once."

* * *

At the conference room that housed Integra and Penwood, they were having a discussion on what should Integra get next. "Hmm… Penwood, I do believe that I need a weapon to get out of this predicament."

"Yes, Integra, but there isn't anything we can do about it seeing as we're stuck here and I can't very well go and purchase them."

"Well, fine. But we do need a new HMS Eagle, what with Alucard crashing a fucking plane onto it. It's a wonder how the thing even got back to London if you ask me.

"While we're at it, maybe we should get another of those planes too. It is a bit of a waste to just forget about it after Alucard treated it so badly, that and I think I might want to try moving at three times the speed of sound sometime."

Penwood sighed, and half-heartedly tried to convince her that that was perhaps not the best course of action. "Integra, I would think that our budget would be better spent rebuilding the city after this war, supposing any of us are even alive after this or if this city is even left standing rather than a new aircraft carrier and a fancy spy plane."

"I don't care." Penwood sighed in resignation.

"Well, it's about time I take my leave. Servants need me to give orders, so I bid you farewell."

As she left, she heard some commotion in the room, something about mutiny, vampires and traitors and a few gunshots. She ignored them and told Walter to get the car. As they drove away while being chased by more vampires, the whole building exploded. Integra didn't even bat an eyelid. She was that badass. Must be that Bruce Willis movie she watched the other day.

They carried on driving, Integra doing drive-bys on any random vampires and ghouls they came across until the Captain showed up out of nowhere and challenged Walter to mortal combat. Being half man herself, Integra knew better than to interfere and left.

She wandered about for a bit before running into the remaining Hellsing operatives. "There you are! Where have you been all this time, servant?" Integra demanded of Alucard. "I was following your orders, Master. The HMS Eagle is back under the British flag."

"That is not the Eagle; that is a random hunk of twisted and broken metal with another random hunk of twisted and broken metal that crashed into it! How that thing stayed afloat or even got here is a mystery to me!" Integra yelled.

Alucard was unfazed by her outburst. He had gotten used to it a long, long time ago. "Well, it's not like a naval vessel could do much good in a city. I think a more pressing issue would be that random beam of light that blew up one of Millennium's airships."

Integra was taken aback but recovered almost immediately. "Yes, does anyone indeed know what was that thing?"

"That was my private project!" Hazama exclaimed with no small amount of pride.

"So that was it, then? Care to elaborate?" Integra asked impatiently.

"It's an orbital laser cannon. It's a much weaker version of the original, but is able to fire more rapidly; once every forty minutes."

"That's quite long." Alucard piped up.

"First one took four years to recharge."

"I stand corrected."

Integra steered the conversation towards its components, to which Hazama read off his shopping list while garnering looks of confusion from his colleagues and employer.

"And what, pray tell, does your contraption work on? You don't seem to have included much in the way of a power source in your list." Integra pointed out.

Hazama reached into his coat and pulled out an empty box of AkumO's. Integra blew up at this. "You take me for a fool? Am I supposed to believe that a fucking orbital laser cannon uses BREAKFAST CEREAL for its energy source?"

"Believe it or not, that's what it runs on. Although technically, it runs on the evil energy that this cereal is concentrated with."

Integra sighed and massaged her temples. She told herself that it didn't matter either way anyway, it was just another weapon at her disposal and it had proved itself to be rather useful. What it used for energy was of secondary concern.

Just then, fireworks erupted in the sky. They looked like something you'd see on an ink-blot test, only they were a bright gold and would likely give an old person seizures. Random people who were somehow still alive after their city was blown to bits and overridden with evil Nazi vampires that turned their friends, enemies, family, etcetera into flesh-hungry zombies started yelling out in joy at the sight of angels. Remember what I said about the ink-blot test?

Then one of their heads exploded.

"BOOM! HEADSHOT, BITCH!" A Patrick Star yelled out while thrusting his free arm up in triumph. People started running now, but most were gunned down by the trigger happy crusaders up in the helicopters, which were the actual source of the 'angels', but Maxwell really just had them launched to troll the Protestants a little before killing them.

The copters touched down and unloaded the troops who lined up on the left of the Hellsing guys while the remaining vampires turned up out of nowhere and lined up on their right. Maxwell was in a glass box on a truck hanging from a helicopter. He had waaaaaaaaaaaay too many microphones surrounding him in that box of him, as if he was paranoid that the first twenty or so microphones wouldn't be able to pick up what he would say.

Maxwell gave a little speech about some random shit that no one really listened to, then gave the order for the crusaders to attack, only to realize the fight had begun a while ago. The Hellsing operatives just stood there and watched the chaos unfold.

Then Integra yawned. Integra yawning meant that something somewhere is going to die soon. "Alucard, I give you permission to release Control Art Restriction Level 0." The shit just hit the fan right there and then and everyone could feel it in their bones. The crusaders and vampires stopped fighting and watched Alucard release his strongest and most terrible powers.

Alucard grew old. Like not seventies old, but more like in his fifties. He was decked out in medieval chain mail and armor with a claymore strapped to his back. His long black hair was now down to his back and billowed in the wind. He needed to shave too. Badly.

Alucard then personally brought Hell to earth. He unleashed every last soul he had ever devoured throughout the centuries he walked the earth, from his own armies in Wallachia to the necrophilic Brazilian Military Police dude back in chapter 5. Why Alucard wanted someone like that swimming around in his body I do not know.

And so the army from Super Hell started to swarm both the Millennium vampires and Vatican crusaders at the same time. Given that there were well over a million souls in Alucard and a little over two thousand of the opposition, they were reduced to pieces in mere minutes while Seras looked like she was about to puke for the third time already and Hazama looked mildly shocked.

After the massacre, Hazama walked up to Alucard and talked to him about something. Alucard at first looked perplexed, then grinned maniacally and nodded his head in agreement to something.

Just then, Anderson appeared with the remaining Iscariot agents which included tranny and ninja nun.

Alucard snapped his fingers, causing himself and all of his numerous familiars to shape shift. Into Agent Smiths.

"Mr. Anderson… We missed you…" Agent Alucard said in Agent Smith's voice, which all of his familiars imitated.

Anderson paled. "Come on, vampyre! Don'cha have ehneething bettah ta do?" Anderson was apparently quite exasperated by this. Maybe the children at the orphanage all watched the Matrix Revolution and pulled this one on him before.

Alucard Smith's face was still as deadpan, but he added the forbidden words in the monotone voice; " Why so serious, Mr. Anderson?"

Anderson responded with an animalistic roar and charged Alucard who sent his Agent Smiths to attack him. While the majority swarmed him, one threw out poker cards while another fired a musket, both with the Smith brand emotionless faces on. Anderson dodged the cards which tore through steel like a lightsaber through tissue paper and ignored the musket shot that buzzed around him like a bee that had an obsessive compulsive disorder when it comes to stinging him.

He tore through the swarmers by attaching his bayonets to a really long chain and swinging it around, which was something which an S in the S&M would love to use on the M, who would love to take it.

Alucard, back in his usual garb pulled out his Cassull and started firing, but Anderson soaked up the bullets like he was hungry for them. Alucard still had the Jackal, but he was saving the best for last in true Alucard style.

Just when Anderson was within striking range, Alucard pulled out the Jackal and started blowing foot-wide holes in Anderson, one of the explosive rounds nearly taking off his arm. Anderson sucked it up like a real man and carried on fighting anyway even when another thirty swarmers were sent his way.

"Excellent! This is what I've been waiting for! A monster can only be defeated by a human, so come human, test your mettle! Defeat me! Defeat me so I can finally turn my back on this world!"

Hazama was playing the children's card game with Seras again while Integra was watching. Watching fights sometimes got really boring.

Anderson was panting, and panting hard. His right arm was hanging at the elbow from a few strips of skin and muscle and the tissue was not healing itself. He had numerous lacerations on his body which were healing much slower than usual as his body struggled to keep up. The human had reached his limit.

Anderson reached into his bottomless coat and pulled out a white box and held it up dramatically. Alucard was very amused. "What have you there, Paladin? A new weapon? Something that could perhaps turn the insurmountable tide? Show me, show me so we may carry on this duel!"

Anderson did not reply, but responded by opening the box. By crushing it. With his bare hand. Instead of taking off the lid like any normal person would. Must have something to do with his now-disabled right arm or something, or maybe he just wanted to show off.

Inside the box was a nail, a really large one. The nail itself was about a foot long and an inch wide at its thickest, and was made from a strange wood which seemed to glow with power from the inside.

Alucard took a moment to recognize it for what it was. His ecstatic smile turned into the most twisted of scowls, hate radiating from his entire body. "No, Anderson! Put that away! You don't know what you're getting into! Don't forsake your humanity! It's not worth it!"

Anderson ignored him and placed the nail over his heart and prepared to drive it in. Hazama broke the rules again, much to the chagrin of Seras.

"Anderson, please. Don't do it, it's not worth it. Don't turn your back on your God like I did mine. Don't suffer the same curse as me, to walk the earth for the rest of eternity. It's just not worth it."

Anderson started to impale himself with the nail, looked thoughtful for a moment, then gave Alucard the two-fingered salute before driving it home. Alucard was positively enraged. 'You fool! Do you realize what you have just done! You have forsaken your humanity and become like me! A monster! A freak of nature that should not be allowed to exist! Anderson, I will put an end to you, for your own sake!" Alucard got into his straitjacket, meaning he's going all out now. Seras broke the rules now just to grief Hazama.

Vines spread from the nail which was now embedded in Anderson's chest and covered his entire body, healing his injuries and bestowing unto him strength anew. He grinned, feeling the rush of the new power that coursed through his being. "ALUCAAAAARD!" He yelled to get the blood rushing.

"ANDERSOOOON!" Alucard yelled in anger.

"SERAAAAAS!" Hazama roared at having his thunder stolen by Seras.

"HAZAMAAAA!" Seras screamed as she was sick and tired of his trolling.

"SHUT UP! CAN"T A LADY GET SOME PEACE AND QUIET IN A WAR ZONE?" Integra yelled in anger. Everyone looked at her in stunned silence. "I don't care who has a beef with who, but if you want to fight, do so in silence!" Integra thought about what she just said, then sighed and muttered; "Forget what I just said, I'll go to a bar or something. I need a gin."

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**A/N: Well, here's the next one. Sorry it took so long, got sick over the weekend, which meant I had to be grabbing pills. So many pills I did grab that my piss smelled of drugs. Too much info. So anyway, leave a review so I may know what the masses think and so that I may serve thine wishes. Especially since I'm gonna make a sequel. Crossing over with Twilight. To troll it. With added Dio Brando. And ZA WARUDO!**


	11. Chapter 11: Bishounen Butler Appears!

**A/N: Well, the end of the series is coming along. We're already at the bit where Anderson is gonna die soon, but I might change that. We're also at the bit where Walter comes in as a bishounen vampire butler, the secondary source of all fangirl evil, the primary being Twilight. As for Walter dying, I definitely will change that because of two reasons; first being dental floss of doom is too wicked cool to die, second because my name is also Walter. Anywho, in this chapter, Anderson may or may not die and Walter turns up in fangirl fap form. Also, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! BLAZBLUE CS IS NOT FUCKING GETTING A FUCKING LIMITED EDITION IN U.S. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!**

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Anderson used Vine Whip on Foe Alucard! Alucard used Dissolve Into Shadows! Vine Whip was not very effective…

Foe Alucard used Summon Baskerville! Baskerville used Crunch! The giant six-eyed dog took a nice big bite out of Anderson, but instead of blood only plant sap and bits of plant came off. It's still super effective anyway!

Anderson used Recover! The vines that grew from the nail spread out and reformed the pieces of Anderson that were bitten off by Baskerville, but stayed like vines and removing more physical traces of Anderson's humanity and replacing them with that of the supernatural.

"Anderson! Stop this at once! You might still be able to take back your humanity; the nail may not have fused with your being just yet! Please, Anderson!"

"Ye're jus' scared that Ah'll hand yer arse to ya with this powah! Ah ain't takin' out the nail. And as fer mah humanity, Satan can have it fer all Ah care, so long as Ah get to send ye ta 'im." Anderson used his vines to try and restrain Baskerville, which broke free rather easily. Anderson scowled and pulled out his bayonets and took out a couple of Agent Smiths that tried to get him from behind.

Alucard dashed forward, guns in hands and safeties off. Wait, does he even turn the safety on at all? Do his guns even come with safety switches? Anyhow, he started firing at Anderson. The bullets blew large holes in Anderson, but imbued with the unholy power in Helena's nail, he shrugged off the wounds with ease, more vines stitching up the missing flesh and bone.

Anderson grinned his crazy grin and charged at Alucard, bayonets in hand, vines intertwining around the handles and blades. They clashed, Alucard parrying Anderson's bayonets with his guns while trying to get a shot or two at point blank. Metal struck metal with loud crashes and sparks flew between the weapons as the two monsters tried to kill each other.

Meanwhile, Hazama and Seras were on the ground and brawling like two six-year olds, pulling at each others faces and hair while calling each other names.

"Snake eyes!" Seras yelled as she poked Hazama in the eyes, making him cry out in pain.

"Gigaboobs!" Hazama yelled back as he squeezed her ample mammaries hard, making her squeal in embarrassment and rage.

"Pervert!" Seras kicked Hazama in the 'nads this time, making his face change color a few times as he bit his lip hard to keep from screaming in pain.

"Hooker!" Hazama gasped as he flipped Seras's skirt, causing her to shriek in embarrassment again. Then again, her skirt was so short that Hazama really needn't have bothered.

"Asshole!" This time Seras pulled out Harkonnen and aimed it Hazama.

"Goody-two-shoes!" Hazama responded by summoning his snake stand, which reared up behind him and hissed menacingly at Seras.

Integra sat in a corner, smoking a cigar and drinking from a hip flask she found in her coat. It contained malt whiskey and was just what she needed. She was thrown into the middle of a war between vampires and crazy Catholic priests, one of whom stabbed himself with a nail and now was as stubborn as a weed when it comes to dying, both literally and figuratively. Then she also had to babysit two adults who were fighting because of a children's card game. Life sucked big time sometimes.

Maxwell's helicopter was hovering above their general position and he was basically reciting the entire Bible from memory into the two hundred microphones that surrounded him in his little Plexiglas box. This ticked off a slightly tipsy Integra. "SHUT UP! I'M HAVING A HARD TIME HERE! HELICOPTER, I ORDER YOU TO CRASH"

The helicopter crashed, because even inanimate objects obey Integra's orders. Maxwell survived, mainly because the Plexiglas box was fucking nuke-proof. Didn't stop him from getting beaten up by the nine thousand microphones in the box though.

Maxwell unearthed himself from the mountain of microphones to see Integra staring at him with unfocused eyes, the stub of her cigar hanging from the edge of her mouth. "Integra, how in God's name did you make a helicopter crash with just a verbal command! It's unholy; did you make a deal with Satan to get that power?"

"I'm a Protestant Christian, you git. I'd never make a deal with a devil." She looked thoughtful for a moment. "I'd never make another deal with a devil." She corrected.

"Then how did you crash my helicopter? Did you have one of your unholy corpses do the dirty work for you?" Integra responded with hooking her thumb over her shoulder to point at their servants being engrossed in their respective scuffles. Clearly it couldn't have been either one of her operatives who damaged the aircraft such that it crashed.

"Well, it doesn't matter. Soon Anderson will kill Alucard, and then the rest of your employees, and then Millennium, and I will be rewarded by Emperor Palpa- I mean His Holiness the Pope. Then I will take over the position of Pope and rule the world!" Maxwell had begun monologuing like a typical Saturday morning cartoon villain.

This irritated Integra; as she was on a shorter fuse today, and that's saying something because her fuse is really short even on a good day, but after having her country invaded by Nazi vampires led by a bunch of Japanese anime loving freaks, having her country and her family's estate destroyed by said vampires that were controlled by said freaks and now her servants were fighting a monster and amongst themselves, she was not in the best of moods. She snapped.

"Maxwell! I order your heart to stop beating!" She commanded with the thunder of a born ruler who expected all to bow to his every whim.

Maxwell was surprised at her outburst then started to laugh. It was right dumb to order another person's heart to stop beating at their whim, let alone expect it to happen. Then Maxwell realized that he couldn't feel anything.

Maxwell's face scrunched up and his eyes bulged as his hands shot to his chest. He gasped for breath as he frantically pounded at his chest in a bid to get his heart beating again, but to no avail. He managed to raise his eyes up at Integra and mouth the words 'what the fuck' before collapsing and laying still. Moral of the story; never piss Integra off, because everything follows her orders, even your own body organs.

With that taken care of, Integra continued to indulge in her vices. One small part of her mind in the back of her brain noticed that Alucard was being set on fire by Anderson's vines and that Seras and Hazama had stopped their little scuffle to try and put out the fire, but the majority of her attention was focused on moping on her current shitty situation.

"Anderson, you may have been able to defeat me five centuries ago, when I was still but a fledging, but it is impossible for you now. Only true humans can defeat monsters, so don't even think about it now!" Alucard proclaimed as he reached to try and rip Anderson's heart out.

He didn't notice a conveniently placed banana peel in front of him however, and ended up slipping. With a great roar of surprise, he tumbled forward as his hand clawed for something to stop his fall and came across the little bit of nail still sticking out of Anderson's chest, yanking it out. Anderson's eyes bulged with pain and he coughed up a little blood, but the nail came free and took with it the vines that covered Anderson, leaving him human, if still grievously wounded.

Alucard, however, face planted on the ground as he was not able to break his fall. A spectacular fail for the No Life King. 'Shut up and rewrite this piece of shit." Alucard yelled up at the heavens. Don't wanna. "Do it or I'll-" Or you'll what? Reach out of the screen and strangle me? You're fictional, remember? Alucard fell silent and grumbled angrily while Hazama sniggered.

"Whit in tha…" Anderson muttered as he looked at his only intact hand. He felt the strength bestowed unto him by the nail seep out of his body, but for some reason he felt better, purer. Alucard picked himself off the ground and dusted himself off, still looking discontent. "There, you're still a human. Physically. You'd better work to earn it back for real before facing me again, Judas Priest."

"Aye, daemon. Ah've realized mah folly and will work to earn back the Lord's grace." Anderson admitted with a hint of a sheepish grin, which Alucard returned with one of his own, this one less crazy and more friendly.

"Are you quite done with the hugs and kisses? I swear, it's turning out to be quite boring."

The Hellsing operatives' heads all snapped towards the general direction of the voice. It sounded familiar, yet unfamiliar at the same time. It was definitely British though…

"Over here, former colleagues." The mystery man placing extra emphasis on the word 'former'.

It was Walter, only much younger, looking to be in his early twenties. His face was finely chiseled and his skin was no longer wrinkled but was smooth as a baby's. His eyes were sharp, but were now a bright crimson and lost their friendly sparkle.

Alucard, Integra, Anderson and Hazama looked on in fear. This was not just any regular fear mind you, this is the kind of fear you'd get if you were having a dream about banging a really hot girl, then suddenly the girl turns out to be the gay-ass kid in your class and then you can't stop banging him until the dream ends and you wake up and vow to never sleep again.

"Wha… what did those Millennium bastards do to you?" Alucard managed to choke out.

"They enlightened me. They have shown me the joy of being a butler to feed the fangirls, and they pay well too." Walter answered matter-of-factly.

"They turned you into this… this abomination, this monster! They have turned you into a, dare I say it, a Bishounen!" Alucard spat out the last word as if it was something foul and disgusting, which it was.

"And to put the piss icing on the shit cake, you're still in your butler uniform, making you a… bishounen butler, the source of all Japanese fangirl evil!" Hazama added, his slit-pupil eyes wide with fear.

Walter kept his chin up, the side of his lips curling up in a little smile. "Well, aside from the normal perks of being a vampire, it seems to also have given me an additional ability."

The demon, priest, ex-zombie cyborg ghost and the commander looked at each other in confusion, then noticed that Seras wasn't joining them in fearing the abomination. They looked around and found Seras on the ground, her face flushed and with an odd facial expression, as if there was something being shoved inside her but she was sort of enjoying the pain. Put simply, she was having an orgasm.

"That's right, if a woman so much as looks at me in the eyes, she will orgasm." Walter stated as if it were normal.

" 'e's an even worse monster then ye are, daemon." Anderson whispered. Alucard did not make any comment. Hazama just nodded. Integra's face was unreadable.

"I've been sent here to take care of you lot so as to help take over the world with Millennium, so I'd best do my job of showing the guests the way out." Walter stated while pulling on his gloves that carried his trademark Dental Floss of Doom. Alucard pulled out his guns and Hazama his knives.

The three men stared at each other for no other reason than to build dramatic tension within the audience. Walter made the first move and dashed forward while flicking his wrists to send the razor wire in his gloves out in a bid to horribly mutilate and dismember his former teammates. Hazama used his chains to avoid the wires while Alucard stood his ground and fired at Walter.

Walter didn't even flinch and manipulated his wires such that they formed really thick meshes that blocked the incoming lead slugs, then sent the meshes to trap Alucard but was interrupted by Hazama introducing his boot to Walter's face. "Ooh! Mah sexy face!" Walter cried out in pain as he fell.

Hazama did not let up and dashed forward to shank him repeatedly with his knives but was denied access by Walter using his wires to form a shield of sorts. Alucard reloaded and kept on shooting, but to no avail.

Suddenly the Jackal exploded into confetti with a recorded sound of a bunch of young children cheering, earning a very loud and heartfelt 'What the fuck?" from everyone except Walter who just smirked knowingly.

* * *

Up on the _Moe-Moe-Kyun! _everyone looked at the Doc and said in a jokingly accusing tone; 'Doooooctoooor!' while Doc just covered his mouth with his free hand while making an exaggerated sheepish grin, his other hand on a remote which had 'Jackal' printed on the back.

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"Fine! I don't need that two-bit, useless, exploding piece of crap anyway!" Alucard roared and unleashed Baskerville at Walter. The giant multi-eyed dog was about to take a nice big bite out of Walter when he stabbed his wires into Baskerville and manipulated it like a marionette, turning it around and against its master.

"The fuck?" Alucard was surprised at his loyal pet being turned against him and opening its maw , its rancid breath washing over him. It was about to take a nice big bite out of its master when Hazama's Stand bit down on Baskerville's neck. Walter was surprised at this development as he did not know that Hazama could summon a three-headed snake made of dark green evil energy to bite down on stuff.

As the two dueled with their respective supernatural representation of animals, Integra took the opportunity to smack Seras till she woke up and told her to get the fuck outta there and go and kick some Millennium ass. Seras complied as Anderson ran for higher ground for no apparent reason and Alucard shape shifted into a fourteen-year old girl with straight black hair that flowed down her back to around hip length. Rule-motherfucking-63 bitches.

For some reason, Baskerville suddenly coughed up a gay-ass guy in a fancy suit, who shouted something along the lines of finally being free and expressing confusion at his current location before being eaten by Hazama's Stand. Losers will always be losers.

As the two resumed their fight, Alucard took the opportunity to drink in every last drop of blood that has been shed in London. And seeing as London was fucked up pretty bad by Hellsing, the Vatican and Millennium, there was much blood to be drunk. The streets literally started flooding with blood, like worse than Hurricane Katrina kind of flood. In fact, it was more like a Hawaii beach during monsoon season. Blood roared down canals and streets, converging and gushing towards where Alucard was laughing his head off and going on about a feast and gorging him/herself.

* * *

Up on a random building stood Warrant Officer Schrödinger. He had a batshit crazy smile on his face and a combat knife in his hand. He had orders from the Major; to mix his blood in with that of the Londoners. That was the only thing that had a chance to destroy Alucard, to turn him into everything and nothing at the same time, and with the sheer number of souls in his body, he would not be able to control his power and just wink out of existence.

"For Deutschland!" He yelled before enacting a self-decapitation. His now lifeless body and his disembodied head, still with the Cheshire Cat grin on it, plopped into the roaring sea of blood beneath him and sunk in, heading towards Alucard.

* * *

"Ah, fuck this! Take-Mikazuchi XIII Gold Alpha Third Strike Five D Maximum Impact Rebirth Ver. Ka, activate! Kill that fucking abomination of nature and everything within a ten-meter radius of it!" The orbital Shoop da Whoop complied, sending forth an almighty burst of pure energy with a resounding 'BLAAAAAARGH!' and fry Baskerville it did, but Walter had used it as a shield and somehow managed to get out of the way.

Alucard, however, wasn't so lucky and got reduced to his constituent atoms. Even the king of all vampires needed some time to come back from that one. It also just so happened that the blood he was going to absorb next was that of Schrödinger's earning a very loud and resounding "Fucknuggets!" from the androgynous catboy.

Walter, however was kind of tired from having fought so long, as well as the transformation from human to midian performed on him was rushed and hence imperfect, turning him even younger. Into a shota-bishounen butler. Kouta, what the fuck where you smoking when you came up with this shit?

In fact, what the fuck were you smoking when you came up with the whole notion of an immortal and invincible vampire lord whose name turned out to be Dracula spelled backwards whose job is to hunt Nazi vampires that eat babies that are controlled by a mecha-otaku Nazi major. Whoops, spoilers. =D. So where can I get some of that shit?

Anyway, Alucard and Walter started talking about the old days when they took out Millennium and a bunch of other expository crap, ending with them resuming their fight. Hazama just looked around then walked off in a random direction, thinking that the two vampires needed some alone time to settle their differences. Also, there were Nazis to be trolled.

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**A/N: Finally done with this chapter. Fell sick again over the weekend and was really busy on top of it, as well as running into writers block like five times. So anyway, here's a shoutout to Kamen Rider Double, the only guy that regularly reviews this acid trip that I'm writing here and letting me know that I am making some people somewhere smile. And I still want that Noel Vermillion nendoroid. So as always, please leave a review so I can work on it. The next chapter will probably be either the last or second last, so I will include a little preview of the next piece of half-assed crap I'm going to write. Including some Edward-troll, so look forward to that.**


	12. Chapter12:Begin the End of the Beginning

**A/N: Got started on this chapter a little late but hopefully it will be able to keep up with the weekly schedule. Picking up where we left off, Walter and Alucard are fighting over who betrayed who and why Walter left Hellsing all alone in the dark with nothing to help itself. Except an all-powerful vampire lord who does not die when he is killed, said vampire lord's hot and busty fledgling vampire armed with a fucking BFG 9000 but does not drink blood and an ex-zombie-cyborg ghost from the future from the past armed with two awesome knives, fourth-dimensional chains, a psychic ghost, an orbital Shoop da Whoop and a fedora. Shit's going down in this chapter, with the final boss rush and shit. Yeah. Also a little Edward-troll at the end.**

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Walter and Alucard had been at it for fifteen minutes, but since neither of them had a respectable physical stature to carry on with the bloody and unethical violence, they had gotten tired and very bored.

"Alucard… I (pant) will defeat you… Even if it (pant) kills me…" Walter panted again.

"Well… (pant) I'd like to see you (pant) try, Walter…." Alucard panted despite supposedly not needing to breathe and not supposed to be feeling fatigue.

"Well, there dinnae seem ta be an end comin' to this anytime soon, so why not jus settle it wi' rock paper scissors?" Anderson said from his perch.

"That's a great idea!" Alucard and Walter cried out at the same time.

"Rock, paper, scissors!" They shouted. Both threw rock. Both scowled.

"Rock, paper, scissors!" They went at it again, both throwing paper this time. They repeated this, always throwing the same thing. Anderson face-palmed. What was the best way to settle a problem back at the orphanage apparently wasn't working out here.

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Hazama stalked the streets, whistling Jingle Bells despite it being the middle of July and the motherfucking Apocalypse. He came across a couple of ghouls that apparently somehow survived the tidal wave of blood that washed through London not five minutes ago. He was about to go over and finish the job when the ghouls exploded into bloody mist.

What Hazama saw next made his brain pause for a few seconds, then press the f5 button. It was a giant robot, painted coffee green. It was very bulky, like Mechwarrior Mechs, only much smaller. Attached to its arms were four-barreled chainguns. Its head was covered in a janitor's bucket with eyeholes cut out. Servos whined as it turned to face Hazama, then started plodding towards him with steps that shook the ground.

When it got within firing range, it started up the chainguns, taking a second for the barrels to spin fast enough for the gun to not jam and blow itself to bits before firing, giving Hazama the time to dash out of the way because he was too smooth for diving. Bullets struck the concrete where Hazama was earlier, turning it to chalky dust.

Hazama jumped up high then used his chain to latch on to the robot. The metallic jaws clamped down on the fugly green shell of its left arm, denting but not puncturing it. Hazama used the chain to reel himself in to get himself out of the sights of the guns.

"MOTHA-FUCKIN' SPIN KICK!" Hazama crowed as he pulled off a motherfucking spin kick, his Stand covering his foot and opening its maw wide. The move's real name was Hirentotsu, but it had gotten boring to just call it that anymore. His foot connected on the side of the bucket, knocking it off before going deep into its right shoulder.

Sparks flew as Hazama pulled his foot from the robot and backflipped to get out of the way as its right arm exploded off, but the thing was still functional as it had not fallen over or blew up for real yet. Hazama looked at what the bucket was concealing. His brain was now spamming the f5 button.

It was a head in a jar, but not just any head. Even an entity from an entirely different fictional universe with its own history could recognize it. It was unmistakable, the side parting haircut, the scowl, the skin in dire need of Botox. The moustache, the small little square of facial hair under his nose and above his upper lip, now affectionately known as the dictator moustache. It was Adolf fucking Hitler, coming back with his German rage at there not being a Limited Edition for Blazblue Continuum Shift.

"Fuck me… It's mecha-Hitler from Wolfenstein 3D!" Hazama muttered in awe. To think Millennium had this up their semen-stained Sailor Moon shirt sleeves.

Hazama had no time to gape in awe as it fired at him with its remaining chain gun, the severed head swearing in German but with no noise coming out. Maybe it was drowned out by the gunfire, or because he had no lungs or vocal chords to speak off, but it mattered not, for Hazama threw a knife at the now unprotected head, breaking the glass and nailing him right between the eyes. Now the mech exploded. In 10.1 surround sound. In full 2160 HD. And 3D. With popcorn.

Hazama munched on the popcorn he stole from the nearby cinema as he watched the fireworks, then got bored and pissed on it to put out the blaze. The smoke was really getting to his lungs. Since he was done here, he decided to go look for the main airship thing to help the others put an end to this piece of crap.

* * *

Back with Alucard and Walter, they were still at it after try number three hundred. Anderson had fully regenerated but was too jaded to notice. How could two people tie in rock paper scissors three fucking hundred times in a row? It defied the laws of physics and probability. Then again, both were vampires so it may have something to do with being stuck at a crossroad or something but it was still fucking ridiculous.

"You know what? Fuck this! I don't care about Millennium anymore! Even if they pay me more than peanuts and monocles and with actual cash, it's still better working for Integra then having to deal with those fangirls! Do what you want, hell, I'll even help you!" Walter just randomly blurted out with no real logical explanation to his sudden defection from the side he defected to. Alucard wasn't impressed by this.

"So you randomly defect to any side that serves your interests better? I expected better from a John Bull. You should stick harder and faster (lol) to your beliefs!" Alucard seemed quite pissed off at Walter's arbitrary defections.

"Fine, then I swear to not defect again from servitude to the Hellsing bloodline!" Walter yelled back. Alucard was still not impressed. "And how am I supposed to make sure you don't defect again?" Walter kept silent.

Alucard sighed. He called upon one of his familiars, this one a female vampire whose blood he drunk and assimilated when he was under the servitude of Arthur Hellsing, when vampires actually were fun to fight with.

The familiar clamped down on Walter's neck before he could even begin to think about protesting and was drained of his blood, this serving to finish what Millennium had started and turn him into a proper vampire and not a mere imitation that was falling apart at its seams.

He was successfully turned, but the shoddy work that Millennium did beforehand left it's mark, making Walter look to be in his fifties, which Alucard was secretly thankful for. "Now you can't turn your back on Integra again."

"I won't." Walter replied before they set off for the Major's airship.

* * *

Seras and Integra had reached the airship, but the catch was that it was still in the air and they were on terra firma. "Seras, how in the holy mother of fuck are we going to get all the fucking way up there?" Integra yelled while pointing at the airship which was still flying and fulfilling its job requirements.

"Don't worry, Master! I can fly now!" Seras exclaimed while puffing out her huge chest proudly, making Integra scowl for more reasons than one.

"Fine, just get us up there quickly." Integra grumbled while Seras gripped Integra around her waist with her right arm.

And the shit hit the fan with Seras doing her impression of a rocket-propelled pinball that had drunk around ten gallons of speed-laced Red Bull. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?" Integra screamed while Seras remained oblivious to her screaming and made a zigzag line for the airship.

The duo were approaching the airship and would make a rather painful landing since they were still travelling at half the speed of sound. "Okay Seras, slow down! Slow down! Do you hear me Seras? Slow down! SLOW DOWN NOW! SLOW THE FUCK DOWN NOW SERAS!" Integra was screaming at the top of her lungs as they were going to crash and probably die in a messy and painful manner.

"I'm trying! I don't know how to brake with this thing!" Seras whined. Integra gave up. Seras did what she could to shield Integra from the impact as she rammed into the aircraft.

Up on the bridge where the Major was having a tea party with Doc and the Captain, they felt the impact of Seras's crashing into their ship. Nothing happened at first because of the physical distance between them and the crash zone, but Seras had apparently hit a major control cable thing that was vital to the blimp's controls to stay in the air or something which caused it to go into a nose dive, spilling their tea over their crumpets before crashing.

The giant aircraft just so happened to crash right in front of Hazama, who was quite shocked at the development. "Well, that was convenient." Hazama mumbled, his eyes wide with surprise. He carried on into the airship.

While Seras and Integra were assessing their situation and if either or both of them were dead yet and Hazama tried to find a way in, something clicked in Alucard's head. "Walter, you're still a virgin."

Walter was taken aback by the sudden and random statement. "Well, yes… If not I would have been turned into a ghoul by your familiar, but what about it?"

"Well, I would have thought that you would have been married sometime during my slumber, you weren't exactly unpopular with the fairer sex, so what kept you?"

"Erm… uh… ah…" Walter was spluttering and quite unable to answer the question.

"Don't tell me you had it for Sir Integra!" Alucard hissed angrily.

"No, not her, I swear!" Walter quickly said in defense. Alucard just grumbled, not detecting a lie in his words.

"Well, if it wasn't Master, then who was it?" Alucard muttered thoughtfully, while Walter looked away to conceal his blush. Alucard noticed and caught on.

"No… No! Don't fucking tell me…" Alucard yelled, his eyes wide. Walter just kept silent.

Alucard just changed back into his male form. Today he had went through enough trauma, both mental and physical, to last him another half millennium.

* * *

"Seras, remind me never to take a flight with you EVER again!" Integra yelled. She had a few cuts and bruises here and there, but was relatively unscathed which compared to Seras, who had broken pretty much every bone in her body, which made it lucky for her to have accelerated healing and regenerative capabilities.

"Sorry, Master Integra." Seras mumbled.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you speak up!"

Seras's apology was interrupted by the Captain making his appearance. He had taken off his trench coat because of the tea spilled on it so he came in half naked. Half of the Hellsing fangirls just died of nosebleeds there and then. At least they worshipped a PROPER supernatural being.

Seras was immune to it after seeing Walter in bishounen butler form and as for Integra, she just wasn't interested in either sex. They both assumed fighting stances while Integra found a bottle of gin and started drinking from it.

Seras dashed straight at Captain and lashed out with a right hook, which he ducked under and rammed his knee into Seras's gut. Seras was winded, then remembered that she didn't need to breathe and unleashed her shadowy arms of doom on the Captain, who shape shifted into his wolf form and dashed out of the way before pouncing on Seras and trying to take a bite out of Seras.

Seras smacked him away, then grabbed a random rifle lying on the ground and opened fire. The Captain was too fast in his wolf form, not a single bullet making contact with him. Not that it would have mattered anyway, what with him being immune to pretty much anything but silver.

The Captain then decided to give Seras a weapon that had half a chance of killing him in the form of a silver tooth. Seras noted which crate the teeth came from and charged him, holding the tooth like a combat knife and looking right stupid.

The two dueled while Integra finished her gin and went on to a bottle of Cognac that was beside the gin. Alcohol really was her best friend, along with cigars. Tobacco and alcohol went really well with each other two, so she lit a cigar and took a long drag from it as she watched the two fight.

* * *

Hazama kicked open the door to find himself in the armory of the ship. And with the ship on fire, Hazama did what any sensible person would do and got out, looking for an alternate entrance into the airship that did not involve an increased risk of being flash vaporized by C4, dynamite, TNT, Semtex and every other explosive on Brainiac.

* * *

Alucard and Walter had finally reached the crash site of the ship, the awkward silence persisting. Alucard was starting to wonder whether keeping Walter alive was such a good idea after all, but decided not to kill him because of their previous friendship that was now put into a rather odd light, what with his recent double defection and discovery of Walter's object of affections; Girlycard.

"Walter, our earlier conversation never happened, right?"

"What conversation?" Walter answered, earning a grin from Alucard. At least some parts never change.

"Let's go put an end to this war, Angel of Death."

"Indeed, Count Dracula."

And with that, they entered through the same entrance that Hazama evacuated.

Speaking of Hazama, he had found another way in and was skulking around the Major's collection room. For some reason, all of the figurines, bookshelves, DVD cases and what have you were not at all displaced by the violent crash, but Hazama didn't care as he was busy looting rare collectible objects to sell on eBay when all is done. If there was anyone left in the world to buy them, that is.

That was when Doc came in. "Vat are you doing?"

"Oh snap!" Hazama muttered before bolting for the door, which slammed and bolted shut in his face, literally. I mean Hazama was about to run out the door when it slammed in his face and bolted itself shut.

"Bloody motherfucking ass cunt!" Hazama swore, holding his face. Doc just grinned in the corner. "Vell, vell, vell. It seems zat I haf caught a thief! And ve at Millennium do not take vell to burglars!" Doc suddenly started growing butterfly-ish wings that had like droopy tentacles at the ends that were the gayest shade of purple and pink anyone would ever dream of seeing. In other words, it looks like the gay glasses wearing butterfly Arrancar thing from Bleach.

"Zat's right! Syazel Aporro Grantz is my mother's father's son-in-law's daughter's grandson's uncle's aunt's friend's cousin thrice removed!" He proclaimed proudly. Hazama picked himself up and looked really pissed.

"Okay, fairy grandpa, what in the fuck did my face ever do to you?" Hazama seemed quite mad at having his face smashed in despite the swelling already having subsided courtesy of his being a blah blah blah ghost.

"You vere stealing from ze Major's priwate collection! Zat varrants ze death penalty!" Doc sent his butterfly tentacle wing things to hit Hazama, who just used his knives to slice them off.

"Fuck! I vas going to use that as cosplay next year!"

"You can cosplay in that fugly piece of shit all ya want! In hell!" Hazama used his Beam Pillar Kick, launching Doc's head from his body literally sky high, like that one Fatality in Mortal Kombat, only with his foot and with a giant laser beam coming out of the ground. Blood fountained out of the stump of his neck before wobbling and collapsing backwards. The door mysteriously unlocked itself like it always does in those hack'n'slash video games.

Hazama looted more figurines and other assorted anime paraphernalia then walked out the door, read the sign and headed for the bridge.

* * *

"Walter?"

"Yes, Alucard?"

"Why are we buried under ten tons of high explosives?"

"Because you decided to pick up that Jackal lying at the bottom of a stack of ten tons of explosives?"

"Oh yeah. My total bad." Alucard offered with a huge grin. Walter wanted to face palm, but the mountain of explosives on top of them prevented him from doing so. Walter used his Dental Floss of Doom to slice his way out, carefully manipulating the wire such that it only cut the relatively unreactive explosives. He didn't do the same for Alucard though.

"Walter! Are you defecting again?" Alucard was enraged at Walter's not helping him.

"You dropped all that on yourself, so get yourself out." Walter replied.

"Fine! I don't need your help anyway!" Walter turned and left for the bridge while Alucard struggled under the explosives.

* * *

Dozens of empty liquor bottles and cigar butts lay on the floor around Integra, who had passed out both from boredom and from the alcohol. Seras and the Captain were still dueling. No, not with children's trading cards, after the fight/sexual harassment with Hazama she swore to never touch them again.

Seras was next to a really big crate with the explosive sign on it, and being a normal person/midian, she was interested in its contents. She opened the crate and found hundreds of the German style had grenades, you know, the ones that are stick shaped, like the ones in the Metal Slug games. She grabbed one and was about to pull the pin when she noticed the Captain.

His eyes were transfixed on the explosive, as if it had a sort of hypnotic effect on him. Seras moved it to her right and the Captain's eyes did follow. She pulled the pin and tossed it in a random direction, and the Captain bolted after it, clenching the thing tightly within its jaws and was turning around to bring it back to Seras when it exploded in his chops. He's a werewolf, which are wolfs in the guise of humans, and wolves are relatives of dogs, so they play fetch with sticks, or stick-shaped grenades in this case.

Armed with this knowledge, Seras made for the crate with the silver teeth while dragging the crate of grenades with her. She chucked grenades in random directions, except in the general direction of the silver teeth crate, when the Captain got too close. It worked well as he always chased after the 'nades, and after they blew it took him a few minutes to grow his head back.

Seras had reached the silver teeth and was wrapping a grenade with silver teeth, using the shadows from her shadow arm to secure them while keeping the Captain distracted with his games of fetch the grenade.

When she was done, she let fly the silver teeth grenade and prayed that the Captain would follow, and her prayers were answered. He made for the grenade, chomped down on it as it exploded, propelling molten silver shrapnel into his face, throat and torso, instantly ripping him to pieces as well as setting him on fire as silver has that effect. He quickly burned to ash as Seras tried to wake Integra up, which she did after a good ten minutes of slapping. Integra was still half drunk so Seras carried her in a fireman's lift towards the bridge of the airship.

* * *

All four of them reached the bridge at the same time, garnering a lot of hostility towards Walter, who quickly explained the situation to them. They grudgingly accepted it, but failed to notice a certain red coated vampire lord with foot-long pistols was not amongst them.

They entered to see the Major sitting in his chair looking up the skirt of another of his figurines. He noticed them, swore in German and put the bit of plastic away. "So I see you haf made it to ze lair of ze tiger, so to speak."

"You are no tiger; you're just a festering pile of fats and failed ambitions comforting yourself with plastic figurines of people who don't even exist." Integra snapped. The Major said nothing in response.

"So vat are you going to do now zat zis var is ower? Perhaps find a mate?" The Major said conversationally, trying to turn the conversation away from his interests.

"Kill you. SERAS!" Integra roared.

"Yes, Master Integra!" Seras complied by pulling out Harkonnen and firing a seventy millimeter depleted uranium shell at the Major, who did nothing to get out of the way. Instead, the bullet impacted on a transparent shield.

"How do you like ze Doc's new invention? It is a glass-like polymer made of semen soaked tissue paper zat is bulletproof and nozing short of a cannon can breach it! Even zat, how do ze Americans put it… heat you pack isn't going to help you."

Seras responded by pulling out an 88 millimeter Howitzer artillery cannon out of her shadow arm, manned by Pip the Frenchy. "If you thought zat zat was ze biggest heat we packed, you're dead wrong mozerfucker! Now we're going to, how do ze Americans put eet… bust a cap in yo ass!"

And bust a cap in his ass Pip did, the Howitzer's 88 millimeter high explosive round tearing through the shield like, well, tissue paper. Without the man-juice. The round promptly blew the Major to bits, but he was apparently half robot, so Hazama poured the random can of Mountain Dew he found in the mess hall on the Major, making him explode from short circuiting. This started another fire, so they promptly got the fuck out of Dodge.

It was only until they made it to about ten blocks away from the ship when Seras realized what had been bugging her. "Oh yeah, where's master Alucard?"

At that exact moment, the airship blew up, even creating a small mushroom cloud despite there being no nuclear material in the ship. As they looked at the cloud of smoke and debris dissipate, they all could have sworn that they saw Alucard's face among the stars, grinning down at them happily with a thumbs up. "I guess that answers your question." Hazama muttered despite all of them trying to figure out why Alucard's being blown up would result in him being made into a constellation.

It was only three days later when Alucard next appeared, and he was fuming at Walter for having left him in the ship and being blown up, but his mood quickly brightened when he saw Seras drinking blood, albeit with more than a hint of disgust evident on her face as well as her drinking only a very minute amount. Well, we all have to start somewhere.

They received a package on the same day, this one about the size and shape of a coffin with a letter attached, which read:

"Dear Duck Dodgers,

I never thought it could happen to me (This part was cancelled out because won't allow me to cancel it out with lines)

Dear Hellsing guy,

My name is Kujo Jotaro, grandson of Joseph Joestar. I know about you from granddad's talking about how you and him were best buddies and went around the world hunting vampires and stuff. So I'm sending you a coffin containing the remains of a vampire that I turned into a blood fountain, which is incidentally also the title of a song I'm working on now. Anyway, I'm sending these remains to you because I believe that you may know what to do and I don't.

Signed,

Kujo Jotaro. "

* * *

All the way in America in some random backwater town, literally, I mean, its like raining over there 364 out of 365 days a year or something. Anyway, in the hospital of said random backwater town, an ugly-ass girl lay in the ICU of the place, with wires and tubing going into her every pore (lol). A pasty white gay skinny kid was lying on the bed crying his eyes out. Literally. His eyes pop out from crying so much, then he puts them back in and he does it all over again. Being physically indestructible does that to you. As for mentally however, let's just say that his mind was destroyed a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong time ago.

"BELLA! Why did that door have to hit you instead of some other random girl that no one (me) cares about? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" (refer to chapter 7)

"Dude, if you keep that up she's gonna die." A big guy that was as pale as the girly fairy prince walked through the door. He was at least buff, like steroid munching buff, so he did not look as gay.

"NO! Bella will never die on me!" Gay pasty skin guy cried in denial.

Then the heart monitor flat-lined. Gaywad was too shocked for words. After five seconds the thing started to not flat-line, giving fairy guy a heart attack while big steroid muncher dude gave the screen a high five, which it responded to by showing an open palm on the monitor.

In the waiting area, a small little girl with spiky black hair and more pasty white skinned suddenly started zoning out, but the other people in the waiting room, all dressed in Abercrombie and Fitch, didn't seem to care because she does that and sees into the future and stuff.

What the little girl saw made sure she would not go anywhere near anyplace dark for at least another year. The first thing she saw were a trio of snakes, all of them black with an otherworldly green glow around them. The second was a grandfather clock, its face broken and its hands tied up at the position of the eleventh hour. The third was but a mass of darkness studded with millions of eyes, all blood red and glowing like the flames of hell.

The girl started to foam at the mouth. Her limbs started to flail about as her eyes rolled into the back of her head. She was promptly held down by the rest of the waiting room, but not before she bit her own tongue off, which was remedied by sticking it back into her mouth. The rest of the pasty skinned people didn't know what their clairvoyant counterpart saw, but they all knew that they were in really deep shit.

* * *

**Well, that's the end for this series, but as I mentioned before and is clearly shown in the little trailer at the bottom, there's going to be a sequel. I hope you liked this little roller coaster ride, and I also hope you will like the next one as well, if not better. Leave a review on what you thought of the series as a whole, and maybe a suggestion of what the sequel ought to be called. Thanks for reading this shit, and I hope you will continue reading the shit I come up with.**


	13. Regarding the Sequel

Well, this chapter is really just one big fat author's note. Thanks to those who read this, more thanks to those who actually finished it, and hell the fuck more thanks to those who liked it (and reviewed it).

And so I believe I told you guys a few times that I was planning a sequel, and it turns out I was done with it a few weeks ago but was too busy playing Persona 3 Portable to bother posting it. For those who don't know what the game is, it's kinda like Pokémon, only the Pokémon are demons, the is only one Pokéball which is actually your mind and to summon them you have to shoot yourself in the head with a toy gun. It's really fun and you guys should try it, but I digress.

Anyway, I'm trying to decide whether to call the sequel Hazama's or Hellsing's Bizarre Adventure, on account of Dio from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure being the other protagonist and taking Seras's place and the whole notion of going to Forks to troll the Cullens is a very bizarre adventure indeed. Either way, this will probably be filed under Twilight/Crossovers, or just head over to my page to find it.

Thanks again for reading the fic and I hope you guys will read the next one too, and please let me know what to call it or whether I should change where it is gonna be classified under. The first chapter will be up next week, when I get some response on whether I should change the title, category or both. Till then, have fun watching Vampires Suck, which is a movie that is trolling Twilight which is released in America somewhere mid-August if I'm not wrong. For me in Singapore, it's coming in somewhere in September. Dammit.


	14. Back In Business: Trollin Twilight!

I decided to just name the sequel Hellsing's Bizarre Adventure on account of Alucard, Dio and Hazama all being Hellsing operatives anyway and file it under Hellsing/Twilight crossovers, because it's Hellsing killing them some Twilight bitches.

A short summary on the fic: the Hellsing Organization receives a package from Kujo Jotaro, the grandson of one of Arthur Hellsing's vampire hunting buddies. He has sent over what is left of one of the world's most powerful vampires which he has reduced to a blood fountain, which is incidentally a song he is currently writing. The vampire's name is Dio Brando, the guy who brought us 'WRYYYYYYYYYY!' and 'Za Warudo!'. Integra saw fit to indoctrinate him into the Hellsing Organization seeing as they're shorthanded again after the little piece of Armageddon that was the war with Millennium.

And so Hazama, Alucard and Dio are sent to the random backwater town in Washington, the state along the Olympic ridge, not D.C., to gather information on this elusive group of vampires known as the Volturi from a random bunch of 'vampires' (hurr hurr) and to kill them all.

Hope you will enjoy this work as well as the possible future ones, of which I'm thinking of Ragna the Bloodedge thrown into the Devil May Cry franchise because Dante and Ragna are like twins (triplets?) that were separated at birth, as well as maybe Bang Shishigami in Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, because of epic manliness.


End file.
